50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Chapter six.

He used to love the city.

Her chroe ad glass...

her buildings painted

with a hooker's blue eye shadow.

Her hills, her beaches...

her sleazy past

all cast a spell on him.

But now it was over.

His romance with the city had

gone the way of all the others.

The truth is, she was

suffocating him--literally.

Plus, he'd had it with

her insecurity about her looks.

And her constant need

to have work done to herself.

Not that he was any prize.

He wrote biographies of

the notorious and semi-famous.

A job where

the most important words...

were usually left off the page.

There was his first book,

"Dead Parents Society"...

about the homicidal

high school twins.

We ate, like, two rolls

of cookie dough...

and then we shot Mom.

You're not gonna put that

in the book, are you?

The part about the cookie dough?

There was the porn star.

Can we just forget about 1972

altogether?

The grandmother

who strangled six men.

I'd rather you not mention

the part...

where I took his jar of pennies.

And his current subject,

the astronaut.

Where the hell do you come up

with this steaming crap?

Uh, your journal.

I told you, mister,

I had a drinking problem then.

But the drinking problem doesn't

start till chapter nineteen.

Come on!

I just got back from the moon.

I was getting blown every night.

His job was a freak show...

and his love life

wasn't much better.

Still, he believed there was

that one person out there...

who could

make everything OK again.

After exhaustive research...

he was fairly sure

she didn't live in Los Angeles.

Oh, I'm not gonna order

anything.

I brought my oats.

By the way, did I tell you...

I'm getting back together

with my old boyfriend?

I'll have

the lobster and the crab.

I think you're ready

to meet my doctors.

The truth is, he was never

going to find anyone here.

He should have changed cities

years ago...

but, no, here he was...

Iiving in the same house

with the same best friends...

with the same books.

He was never gonna break up

with the city.

And then one night,

she kicked him out of bed.

Uh...

Unh! Aah!

Ah. Oh.

Mom...

Susan, relax. I'm fine.

You know, you haven't asked

how I am once.

Yes.

I'm standing in the doorway.

-Sweetie, it was just a tremor.

-Mom! Mom!

Yeah, it was a big tremor, OK.

I don't know. Three at most.

I mean, four is for,

like, major shock.

That was at least a six.

Dude, I'm talkin' dosage here,

not Richter scale.

All right? Bye.

Dosage. Yeah, of course.

No, Mom, you're not gonna die

from a gas leak.

Why not?

Because your stove is electric.

I got to go. Yeah. Bye.

You OK?

I'm above ground.

This is Donnie.

Donnie, could you go stand

in that doorway over there?

Why?

Well, I've known Owen longer.

I'd rather die with him.

So, who's Donnie?

My waiter at lunch.

Lunch? But it's 2:00 a.m.

You actually spent twelve hours

with the same guy?

Yeah, well, it was a late lunch.

Hello?

Eileen.

No, I'm fine. How--OK.

Right now?

Yeah, I still have the keys.

OK. OK.

Was that the call?

She wants me to come over.

Oh, it was the call, all right.

The thought of going down

in a quake alone...

without your soft, doughy butt

to hang onto terrified her.

So then she realizes she never

should have dumped you.

Hey, it wasn't a dump.

It was mutual.

I can't believe

you're going to go over there...

after she dumped you.

Would you really take

Eileen back?

Well...I mean,

she did cheat on me.

Mm-hmm.

-And leave me.

-Yeah.

And, you know, she made

last year totally miserable.

Uh-huh.

But on the other hand, it takes

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