Zombieland Page #7

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TALLAHASSEE *

F***. Me. *

WICHITA:

I’ll remember it alright.

END OF ACT ONE:

16.

ACT TWO:

EXT. GAS STATION - DAY *

COLUMBUS loads his GUN next to a GAS STATION BATHROOM. *

TALLAHASSEE exits the bathroom, waving the air with his hand. *

TALLAHASSEE:

Talk about post-apocalypse.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

Funny thing, the post-apocalypse.

Not funny - haha. Funny - we just

watched a man die, but we’ve

already moved on. Bottom line, you

can’t let things get to you. Rule

#41:

Superimposed on-screen: a TITLE: 41. Everybody Dies

Sometime.

Tallahassee and Columbus walk back toward the YUKON, which is

PARKED 100 yards down the street.

TALLAHASSEE:

Y’know, I do all my best thinking

with my pants around my ankles.

COLUMBUS:

You don’t say.

TALLAHASSEE:

And it just occurred to me.

(beat, we expect something

important)

Why was every Steven Seagal movie 3

words?

(imaginary marquee)

Steven Seagal in... ‘Marked For

Death’... ‘Out for Justice’...

‘Above the Law.’

COLUMBUS:

‘Hungry For Lunch.’

(beat)

‘Lather Rinse Repeat.’

TALLAHASSEE:

‘Keep Off Grass.’

The two laugh as they keep it up:

17.

COLUMBUS:

‘Now With Calcium.’

TALLAHASSEE:

‘May Cause Diarrhea.’

COLUMBUS:

‘Dry Clean Only.’

TALLAHASSEE:

‘No Free Refills.’

COLUMBUS:

(beat, STOPS WALKING)

‘Crazy Stupid Love.’

Tallahassee stops, follows Columbus’s gaze to the YUKON, 50

yards ahead. WICHITA is LYING on the HOOD, SUN-BATHING.

TALLAHASSEE:

A-ha! I just figured it out! Why *

you keep wearing that sad bunny *

face! *

COLUMBUS:

I thought you did your best

thinking with your pants around

your ankles.

TALLAHASSEE:

I was occupied with the Seagal *

thing. The point is, you’re upset *

‘cause you still wanna back up that *

ba-dunka-dunk. *

COLUMBUS:

Ba-what-a-what?

TALLAHASSEE:

No one likes getting thrown out at *

home. But be patient, sad bunny. *

She likes you. No idea why, but *

she does. You’ll get another at *

bat. Wait and see.

COLUMBUS:

In the immortal words of Wichita.

Whatever.

TALLAHASSEE:

I can’t stand seeing you like this.

Which is why I’m gonna teach you

something to do whenever you feel

low.

18.

COLUMBUS:

Here we go.

The two start WALKING AGAIN.

TALLAHASSEE:

I want you to picture you’ve been

dead a long time. And God comes to

you. And says, son. I’m gonna let

you go back down to earth and live.

For 5 minutes. But only 5.

COLUMBUS:

Uh-huh?

TALLAHASSEE:

Then picture those 5 minutes... are

right. Now.

Tallahassee closes his eyes and feels the SUN and BREEZE on

his face. Life is good.

COLUMBUS (V.O.)

It’s hard to take advice from a guy

who asks for a price check at the

99 cent store. But he may be onto

something.

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