Welcome to Me Page #5

I have to eat because

of my new relationship with glucose.

All right. You can have

a snack at five of two

and another one at 2:50.

Please stop eating in session.

So...

like Oprah, but with a swan boat.

Talk show.

Hosted by...

Me.

- Hosted by you.

- Yeah.

All right.

Well, how about a little recap?

In case you missed last week's episode

of the Alice Klieg Show...

That's not what it's called.

That's not the name of it.

You're off your meds,

you just spent $15 million,

you're living in a reservation casino,

and you're hosting your own talk show.

I thought I asked you not to eat.

It's a banana.

It's in its own container.

I come out... on the swan boat.

And then I talk about myself.

Is there a show that's kind of like

what you want your show to be?

Oprah.

So, maybe we should watch

some old Oprahs

and pay special attention

to how each show has a topic.

I have a topic.

- Which is?

- Me.

- What does that mean?

- You know, just what I love.

My hopes, my dreams. What I like to eat.

Who I think is a c*nt. My spirituality.

Me.

We need to figure out

how to break this down into segments.

- This is going be live.

- Yeah, okay.

Well... we have regulating your moods

with a high protein lifestyle.

- I want to do a reenactment.

- About what?

- Jordana.

- Jordana who?

- Jordana Spangler.

- Who is Jordana Spangler?

A liar.

Donna Keever.

We'll be right with you.

Alice's. For the reenactments.

- Oh, right. Where is she?

- In the booth, recording her theme song.

You should hear these segment ideas.

- "Matching Colors to Emotions."

- Okay. What else?

"To Be a Woman." That one's a song.

Something called

"I Can Still Smell You."

"Lucky Foods", "You Got Everything,

I Got Nothing."

Can we please... talk about this?

Talk about what?

I don't feel great

about where this is going.

How do you feel

about where this is going?

I'm glad we got to do this.

I got work to do.

Poor sad eyes.

I miss being around dogs.

I'll take Godzilla over here.

Get in.

You want to talk camera?

That's the zoom. That's the focus.

Here's the pan.

Yeah? And the tilt.

And up here's the tally light.

When that's on, you know it's recording.

- Do you want to have dinner?

- I can't.

Can it be a work dinner?

Can it not be a work dinner?

It's just a restraining order.

It's not a big deal.

- Sounds like cops.

- It's real.

I can't go within 50 feet of her.

Or Souplantation.

I've been divorced twice.

Really?

Yeah.

Not twice. I mean three times.

I... I love too much.

It's not a good thing.

I have a swing over my bed.

I mean, I...

I used to... It's in the garage now.

Can I make an observation?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes