Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #4

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"'Cause it sounds like it."

- And the dad goes...

- "No, I love the baby."

You picture him, okay?

"I love him. Pero...

no.

It's my baby."

And I said, "Well, could you?

'Cause I'm trying to watch this movie."

"And...

your baby's ruining it."

He's like, "No, no puedo." So...

I get up, I go to the lobby,

I see the manager

of the theater and I go, "Hey!

There's a f***ing baby in there...

being a baby right now."

And the manager goes,

"Some people suck."

And he walked away.

That is the best customer service line

I've ever heard in my life.

Hands down.

You can't even get mad!

If you're in a restaurant,

been waiting on your food, like,

"Where the f*** is my food?

I've been here half an hour!"

And the manager's like,

"Some people suck." Like,

"Oh yeah. Some people suck.

I didn't think about it. My bad.

Sorry about that."

I left. I left.

The next day, I go back to the movies.

I should point out I saw

a different movie.

It was also a different baby.

It's not the same family

standing out front

and then they see me and they're like,

"Oh, there he is. Let's go inside...

and ruin this for him again."

This time I am way further into the movie.

I'm emotionally invested in this movie.

I like the movie.

And then, out of nowhere, I hear,

"Waah."

This time, I swear to you, I audibly go,

"Nuh-uh."

And now, other people get involved.

You know when you can hear

somebody's age in their voice?

Like, I can't see sh*t.

It's a dark theater.

I just hear a guy go,

"Either make it quiet or get it out!"

That guy's 140 years old!

Like, I could hear

that he'd never hugged his children.

I could hear it in his voice.

This time,

the mother of the baby goes,

"Shut up."

And I was like, "Oh sh*t!" Like...

"We have a situation."

And then a third person goes, "Shh."

What are you doing?

"Shush" is passive-aggressive.

She said, "Shut up."

Just go straight to "f*** you!"

What are you doing?

But now... I wanted to be

the hero and save the movie.

I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.

Like, all these movies

are being ruined by babies, but...

I didn't realize I was too angry

in that moment to um, what is it?

Speak English words in a sentence.

You know when you get real rage,

like...

Like, just...

"Dude..."

Like...

Like, you feel it,

your throat dries out, and... aah!

So I stood up in the theater

with the best intentions and I went...

"Why is everybody

not in the adult movie?!"

Like none of it made sense.

Everybody's like, "Who's that f***ing guy?

What's his problem?"

I was...

I was trying to say,

"Let's be civilized adults."

But instead I went "adult movie."

"Porn's on now.

Cover your baby's eyes."

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