Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #5

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The next thing,

I see a white T-shirt pop up

and I'm like,

"Well, there's the dad."

Some of you got it. And...

He looked around, like,

"Who's talking sh*t?"

And I was like, "I'm talking sh*t, b*tch."

I didn't say it,

but he knew what was up. But then...

I went out the exit immediately

cause I'm not getting my ass kicked

over The Lego Movie, so I left.

You guys,

are you ever just

tired of being alive?

Know what I mean? Like...

I'm not suicidal.

I just feel like I've done a lot

and I've seen a lot. And now I'm like,

"Let's wrap this sh*t up. Like..."

Right? Like, how many

f***ing days are there?

I want to skip a grade. Remember...

elementary school, and you get

to the first day of,

whatever, third grade,

and you're like, "Where's Brian?"

They're like, "He skipped."

"Excuse me? How?"

They're like, "He can add like

a motherf***er. I don't know. He just...

Four, eight, twelve. He gets it."

And then you go, "I want to skip."

And they're like...

"Don't even think about that.

Think about other sh*t."

I'd love to skip in real life.

That would be the best program,

if they were like,

"If you kill it this year,

you have the best year,

at the end of the year, a magical fairy

or government official

will come to your house...

and they go, 'You crushed it this year.'"

And you're like, "I know."

Then they're like, "Now you can skip

as many years as you want."

I'd be like, "What the f***?!

Really?" "Mm-hmm.

How many do you want to skip?"

"Thirty?"

Just land at retirement.

I don't wanna live

much longer than that anyways.

Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?

Seventy so I can be "officially old"

and experience old guy stuff,

like people talking to me like I'm a pet,

and, um...

You ever see that? When they're like,

"Hey, hey. How you doing?

You're so good.

Would you like me to get you anything?"

Like, "Yeah. Put some water in my bowl.

What the f*** is this sh*t?" Like...

But I don't want

to live much longer than that.

I mean, I hear people in conversation go,

"I want to live to be a hundred."

Really?

Have you seen 80?

I mean,

my dad has a friend that's 87.

He looks like a goblin. Okay?

He is terrifying to look at.

And he knows it.

He's like, "I'm coming around the corner.

Don't look at me." He knows it.

It's scary.

Here's how much it sucks to be that old.

When he was 84,

he stopped taking his heart medication.

And I go, "Why did you do that?"

And he goes, "I don't want to be here."

If you see him now,

you're like, "How you doing?"

"Unfortunately, alive."

"But He won't take me."

The only thing I have

going for me with that old stuff

is that I will be the best old guy.

I already know it.

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