Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #3

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And that right there,

he got really mad at that. Like...

really upset.

He was like, "It's not all jokes!"

"I said one thing.

I can't say one thing? All right."

And he tells me to take the big plate,

the 45-pound plate.

"Hold it over your head

and run down to the pier and back."

And the pier's, like,

three-quarters of a mile.

And I go, "Nope."

"Not doing that."

He's like, "You're quitting?

You're quitting on me?"

And I go, "No,

I'm not quitting, it's just that...

the Holy Spirit..."

"...it talks to me, too.

And it said there's no way

I'm gonna make this run

without throwing up

and people laughing at me.

So, I'm gonna get a peanut butter

protein shake. I'm out, man."

And I took off.

I'm not doing that sh*t.

I'm not making fun of you

if you're religious.

I think that's great. Any faith.

Christian, Muslim, Jew, what...

If you're a Scientologist,

you can go f*** yourself. But...

Yeah.

Because it's not old.

It's gotta be old.

It's fair to say there's some times

I don't want to hear about it.

You know? Like working out?

Um... Getting high.

That's a bummer.

Right? Like, when there's

pills and cash and tits out and...

someone's like, "Have you thought

about accepting the Lord into your life?"

And you're like,

"I'm trying to make bad decisions.

Why are you doing this to me?"

That and pre-sex.

That is the worst.

During sex, as-salamu alaykum.

Anything goes. But...

Pre-sex? Like, right before,

and the girl's like,

"Oh! What if God's watching us?"

And you're like, "What?!"

"'What if God is watching us?'

Of course He's watching us!

He sees everything and this is

hands-down His favorite sh*t!"

Yeah.

"Quit being a baby, put another knuckle

in there and let's give Him a show!"

Digit play, it's fun. Get into it. But...

let's be clear about this, guys.

We're not gonna agree on everything. Okay?

But we should agree on this.

If you bring a baby

into a movie theater,

you're a piece of sh*t.

Yup.

If your reason for doing it

is you couldn't get a babysitter,

well, then,

you don't get to go to the movies.

That's how that works.

It happened to me in back-to-back movies,

which statistically

I did not think was possible.

First movie, I'm in there five minutes.

I'm watching the movie and I hear,

"Waaah."

"What?"

I turn,

and in the row behind me

there's a mother, a father and a baby.

Not a child,

which I think is an important distinction.

It's a baby. I'm like, "All right,

these people are insane. Um...

I'll just ignore this."

Turn back, 30 seconds later,

"Waah."

I'm like,

"Well, now I have to say something."

Now...

I'm polite.

So I turn and I go, "Excuse me,

are you stabbing your baby right now?"

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