The Love Guru Page #4

I actually went to one of your sutras

after my father passed away.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

Have you read my book

on the grieving process?

It's called, What's This?

A Dead One of These.

- Yes.

- Oh, you have?

I especially like the chapter,

"It Might Just Be Sleeping."

My favorite.

- I've read all your books.

- Oh. Well.

To tell you the truth,

I kind of have a schoolgirl crush.

Oh, really?

What does your husband

think about this crush?

I'm not married.

- Boyfriend?

- Nope.

Girlfriend?

Well, I mean,

there was one time in college.

Really?

- What was that?

- I didn't hear anything.

Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you

can't find a man.

What does that mean, "a girl like me"?

Well, come on, I don't have words for it.

You know, nice girl, intelligent,

bedroom eyes, pouty lips, great rack,

tight bell-shaped ass,

thicker than a Snicker...

Say.

My problem with men

is the Bullard Curse.

What's a Bullard Curse?

My father, Hank Bullard,

bought the Leafs in 1967.

And we haven't

won a Stanley Cup since.

So, all the men in the city

blame me and my family.

Well, as I write in my book

Stop Hitting Yourself.

Stop Hitting Yourself.

Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?

I explain that,

people may say bad things about you,

but you must never

say bad things about yourself.

I see someone who's ready for change.

It would just be easier to change,

if I didn't have to deal with the city

that hates me.

Jane, the City of Toronto

doesn't hate you.

- Oh, yeah, they do.

- Oh, no, they don't.

- Oh, yeah, they do.

- Oh, no, they don't.

Trust me.

At the arena,

I had Maintenance paint lines

to show me

where the crowd can't see me.

You know, so they don't boo me

and throw stuff at my head.

I mean, I didn't even ask for this job!

I guess it's just my fate!

Fate is a joke.

And as I once read on a wall,

in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow,

"The joke is in your hands."

Oh, my God, I just got that!

Well, to be more accurate,

the joke was in Rajneesh's hands.

What?

Nice shooting!

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

Look, man,

just get back on your pillow, all right?

There ain't no connection

between my love life and my hockey.

I'm not here to work with you.

I just came by to say hello and goodbye.

- Goodbye?

- Yeah.

I spoke with your wife, Prudence.

She broke it off with Grande,

and now she wants you back!

- Seriously?

- Sure. You don't need me.

Go back to what you were doing.

Yes!

There is one other thing.

I lied.

Prudence is still with Jacques Grande,

and he still has

the biggest wiener in hockey.

- Is it true?

- Yes, he has a ginormous hog.

Do you still think there is no connection

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