
The Love Guru
When I was a child in India,
growing up in the tiny village
of Harenmahkeester,
I found a voice-over machine,
which I still use to this day.
Oh, hi.
I decided to use
I am His Holiness the Guru Pitka.
In my book, If You're Happy
and You Know it, Think Again,
I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-l-see."
Intimacy is like putting your wiener
on the table and having someone say,
"That looks like a penis, only smaller."
Only smaller.
Though I was raised here in India,
I was born in America,
which is where our journey begins.
It's the story of a hockey player
named Darren Roanoke,
my most resistant student,
who became my greatest teacher.
Or some such bullshit. I don't know.
Gotta go!
- Hi, I'm Trent Lueders!
- And I'm Jay Kell.
Tonight is all about champions.
But before we get going,
I'd like to start by thanking
my own personal champions.
The fans who supported me
during my recent addiction
to peyote buttons and Frangelico.
I've already apologized to my friends,
my family, and my god.
And now, I'd like to apologize
to Dame Judi Dench
for my vicious and brutal attack.
I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that,
and I hope the staples come out soon.
Over to you, Trent.
Thanks, Jay!
Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs'
Darren Roanoke
is the subject of our player profile.
Hockey has its legends.
Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.
Known as the Tiger Woods of hockey,
Roanoke brought the sport
to a whole new audience.
- Hey, yo, check this, son!
- Check this!
He was in a perfect marriage.
But before the playoffs,
he stunned the world
by separating from his wife, Prudence.
From role model to dating models.
Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence,
was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary
French-Canadian goalie,
Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.
He earned his nickname, "Le Coq,"
for reasons that cannot be stated
on this program.
This interview is over.
Holy...
That's when Roanoke fell apart.
Roanoke is hit hard.
Open net! He misses!
Damn, damn, damn!
But the question on everyone's mind is,
can the Leafs win without Roanoke?
Well, can we win the Cup
without Roanoke?
Not a chance, boss.
As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande
is banging Darren's wife,
Darren's toast.
My father once told me the Yankees
hired a guru to turn their team around.
I have our guru.
If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup.
They call him the Love Guru.
Tumble out of bed
and I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
Yawning, stretching, try to come to life
Jump in the shower
Out on the streets
With folks like me on the job
from 9:
00 to 5:00Working 9:
00 to 5:00What a way to make a living
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy
if you let it
They let your dream
just to watch them shatter
You're just a step
on the boss man's ladder
But you've got dreams
he'll never take away
You're in the same boat
with a lot of your friends
Waiting for the day
your ship will come in
And the tide's gonna turn
and it's all gonna roll your way
Working 9:
00 to 5:00for service and devotion
would deserve a fair promotion
Want to move ahead
but the boss won't seem to let me
I swear sometimes
that man is out to get me
Working 9:
00 to 5:00What a way to make a living
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
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Citation
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"The Love Guru" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 17 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_love_guru_20752>.