The Greasy Strangler Page #3

- You'll have to go get a dog.

- Not a real dog.

Yeah, don't bite into a real dog.

Don't bite into a... woof-woof.

Woof!

OK, you two can f*** off tonight.

Bye, Dad.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye!

F***ing c*nts!

I could feast on that queen's ass

all night long.

Thanks, Big Heiny.

Looking forward to a great meal.

Of course, of course.

I think I read once that these kinds

of breadstick are called grissini.

Probably.

So, um, does your mum live with you too?

No.

She left when I was small.

She met someone new.

Well, that's crapola.

Yeah.

His name is Ricky Prickles.

He's a professional sports coach.

He's got the most defined six-pack

I've ever seen.

Ooh. Tell this girl more.

I went to stay with Mum and Ricky once.

He made me punch him in his six-pack.

He didn't feel anything

because the muscles were so hard.

It was like punching a vacuum-packed

bag of roasted sausages.

Then he made me do

abdominal crunches with him.

I barfed all over his carpet.

My barf was real orange and tasted fizzy.

Ricky Prickles was so mad,

he smacked me twice in the face

with the flat of his hand.

Ricky the Pricky.

Then he molested me.

Sexually harassed me.

How old were you?

Eighteen.

I had long golden hair

and a soft moustache.

I've never been able to do

muscle curls or abdominal crunches.

Not all girls like ripped-up abs.

Yeah.

Some girls like loyal hearts.

Janet, what's wrong?

Please, Janet.

The tourists I was with the other day

were murdered.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're cute.

If I'm cute,

you're stunningly beautiful.

How can I help you, sir?

I wanna dog. Give me a dog.

One famous dog coming up.

I'll make yours extra picante, yeah?

That'll be uno, dos, tres bucks.

What the f*** is this sh*t?

This is one famous chilli cheese dog.

No, this isn't right.

I need more grease on this.

I need more oil.

Sir, I cannot do that.

It's against regulations.

I could lose my licence.

I need this oily.

I need this to lubricate the world.

I need this dog to have some grease on it,

so when I eat it

the grease will lubricate my throat.

Sir, I cannot do that.

It's not safe to use too much oil.

I could... I repeat,

I could lose my licence.

You probably think

I'm the Greasy Strangler.

That's why you won't grease my dog.

Hey, what are you doing?

You're not allowed to touch that.

That's dangerous equipment.

You could burn yourself.

I could lose my licence.

I'm gonna dunk Big Ronnie's dog

all the way in.

This dog is fully dunked.

I wanna write fantasy novels someday.

Interactive fables

with full colour illustrations

and fold-out maps of faraway realms.

I'd narrate the tales myself

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