The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter Page #4

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and he lines himself

up with the sofa,

and he starts doing this

little shuffle backwards.

Now keep in mind I see this

coming towards me, right?

He's like...

All of a sudden,

the back of his knees

hit the edge of the couch,

and you hear the click.

And then free fall.

And he hit. And I was like, "Whoa!"

And at that moment,

they call me in, you know.

"Mr. Iglesias." "Hey, wish me luck."

So I walk into the office.

I'm greeted by a nurse.

The nurse is really nice.

In addition to being nice,

she's actually a fan,

which made it so much better for me.

She comes over, and she's like,

"Mr. Iglesias, this is such an honor.

"I'm such a huge fan.

"I am going to make this

as painless as possible.

"I have to weigh you."

I'm like, "You know what? I'm good.

I weighed myself at the house.

"I'm 445 pounds. I'm good."

"I have to confirm that."

And in my head, I'm like,

"Why would I make that up?"

You know what I mean?

Like, if you're 200 pounds

and you lie and say

you're 195, I get it,

but once you achieve

a certain level of...

It's pretty clear.

So I said, "Fine. Where's it at?"

"Excuse me?" "Where's it at?

Where's the scale?"

Because I want to

walk up to the scale,

so I can grab the stupid brick,

pick it up, slide it all the way

to the end, and put it down.

You know the scale I'm

talking about, right?

The one that has that heavy arm,

where you get on, and it's loud?

I call it the "Scale Nazi."

You get on, and

it's like, "Sieg Heil!"

She starts laughing.

She goes, "Mr. Iglesias,

you are so silly.

"Actually, our scale is industrial."

Any time someone uses

the word "industrial"

and you're in the sentence,

ho-ho, you messed up.

She goes, "Mr. Iglesias,

it's built directly into the floor.

"Stand on the little X."

I'm like, "Oh, my God! I'm a semi."

And then she gives me instructions.

She goes, "Yeah, Mr. Iglesias,

listen. Stand still.

"I'm going to press the

little button on the wall.

"It's going to make a sound,

"and then your weight is going

to appear in the little window."

And I'm like, "Make a sound?"

In my head, I'm like,

"I hope it's not, you know..."

So I'm bracing myself. I'm waiting.

I'm like... And as she presses

it and it was actually cute.

It was like a casino sound.

It was like...

"Hold on! My shoes!"

You're laughing.

It's three pounds, bro.

So then she walks me

into the doctor's office.

I sit down. Doctor walks in,

and we spoke for an hour.

In a nutshell, what he says is

that he wants to take my stomach,

which, in his opinion, is the

size of an NFL football,

and he wants to cut it and make

it the size of a hard-boiled egg.

Therefore, you only eat this much,

and you lose weight with time.

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