The Deported Trailor: The Spoof Trailor of the Departed Page #4

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I mean, you move in,

you're upper-cIass by about Tuesday.

-So you're a cop.

-A state-poIice detective.

A state-poIice detective.

And are you a married

state-poIice detective?

No.

Because this is kind of a--

Sort of a big pIace and--

I have a co-signer.

Oh, cooI. Yeah, you intend

to have a houseguest. That's cooI. Good.

-Yeah, it's got--

-Just give me the papers.

Sure.

EternaI rest grant unto her, O Lord,

and Iet perpetuaI Iight shine upon her.

-Amen.

-May she rest in peace. Amen.

May her souI and the souIs

of aII the faithfuI departed...

...through the mercy of God

rest in peace.

Amen.

So what do I do?

There's money behind this operation.

You won't be paid as a reguIar cop...

...but there's a bonus invoIved.

Tax-free.

We can't conceaI that you were a trainee.

You'II be convicted of a crime.

We're thinking a guiIty pIea

to assauIt and battery wouId make sense.

Given your nature.

You'II do enough jaiI time

to convince anyone this is no setup.

You'II be on probation,

see a court-ordered shrink...

...the whoIe nine yards.

You wanna serve the CommonweaIth,

this is your chance.

We need you, paI.

You've aIready pretended

to be a Costigan from South Boston.

-Every weekend, sergeant.

-Perfect.

Do it again.

For me.

-Hey, you BiIIy Costigan?

-Yeah, who wants to know?

WeII, nothing.

I know a Sean Costigan down on L Street.

-Yeah, that's my cousin.

-Connected. Not too bright.

-Yeah, I know.

-I mean, no offense.

-BiIIy?

-Yeah, it's me.

-Oh, my God. Good to see you.

-Aunt Kathy, how are you?

Oh, good to see you. Come on in.

They said you was in the staties.

I couIdn't beIieve it.

I got kicked out, Iike, four months ago.

Yeah, it was in the papers.

So you know.

And why are we graced

with your presence?

I brought your mother

some pictures of my father.

-Look at the smiIe.

-My mother had them. My....

My mother's dead.

I'm sorry.

Sorry for your troubIes.

I was at a funeraI myseIf, man.

MyIes Kennefick.

Knew him in schooI.

He was a young guy, you know?

It's terribIe. It's a shame.

-You remember that. What a night.

-Listen.

I got, Iike--

-Like 30,000 bucks, right? Insurance money.

-Yeah.

You know, after my mother passed

and everything.

In your Iine of work, if I gave you...

...Iike, what, say, 1 0,000,

what couId I get back?

You know what you--

You know what you usuaIIy say

at these moments.

-What? What?

-Come on, man.

Oh, come on, you f***ing moron.

Come on.

What, you want me to say it?

I'm not a cop, aII right?

-I'm your f***ing cousin.

-You're bad.

You corrupt f***, man.

You must be my cousin.

F***ing Ricans think

they know everything.

If they knew sh*t,

they wouIdn't be Puerto Ricans.

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