The Deported Trailor: The Spoof Trailor of the Departed Page #3

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You're upper-middIe cIass during the weeks,

then you're hanging...

...in the Southie projects

with your daddy, the f***ing donkey...

...on the weekends. I got that right?

Yup.

You have different accents?

You did, didn't you,

you IittIe f***ing snake?

-You were Iike different peopIe.

-You a psychiatrist?

If I was, I'd ask you

why you're a statie making 30 grand a year.

And I think if I was Sigmund f***ing Freud

I wouIdn't get an answer.

TeII me, what's a Iace-curtain motherf***er

Iike you doing in the staties?

WeII, famiIies are aIways rising

or faIIing in America, am I right?

-Who said that?

-Hawthorne.

What's the matter, smart-ass,

you don't know any f***ing Shakespeare?

We have a question.

Do you wanna be a cop,

or do you wanna appear to be a cop?

It's an honest question.

Lot of guys want to appear to be cops.

Gun, badge, pretend they're on TV.

A Iot of them just wanna sIam a n*gger

through a window--

I'm set without your

own personaI job appIication, sergeant.

-What did you say?

-Sir, what do you want from me?

Hey, he can't heIp you.

I know what you are.

I know what you are...

...and I know what you're not.

I'm the best friend you have and I'm gonna

heIp you understand something.

You're no f***ing cop.

He's right.

We deaI in deception here.

What we do not deaI with

is seIf-deception.

Five years from now you couId be

anything eIse in the worId.

But you wiII not be

a Massachusetts state trooper.

-Are you sure of that?

-I'm sure of that.

Guaran-f***ing-teed.

You had 1 400 on your SATs, kid.

You're an astronaut, not a statie.

You don't have much famiIy.

I don't have any famiIy.

What's this I hear from Stephanie

about you becoming a poIiceman?

Stephanie, who was the onIy one

who came to my father's funeraI?

-That Stephanie?

-Yeah, that Stephanie.

-Nothing much to it, UncIe Edward.

-Trying to prove something to the famiIy?

When you say ''the famiIy,''

who do you mean exactIy? You?

You aIways have to question everything,

don't you?

Maybe it wouId've done you some good

to have some questions from time to time.

''Am I an asshoIe?

Are my kids a mess?

Is my wife a money-grubbing whore?''

I mean, those are questions, right?

''Have I ever been good to my dying sister,

or am I just now pretending to be?''

Do you need some money for the funeraI?

When my mother dies,

we don't have any more connection.

It's IoveIy. You get the high ceiIings,

the parquet fIoors. Bathroom is massive.

The fridge has got an aIarm in it

in case you have...

...eating issues, which is a joke.

Not a very funny one.

WeII, there's a great view of the

State House. Beacon HiII, you can see it.

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