The Darwin Awards Page #4

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It's simple. Greedy

bastard didn't want to pay.

Got his hand caught in the cookie jar.

It's not a question of greed.

Travers made over six figures.

He could afford cheese

crackers. He did it to win.

- To feel like he was beating the system.

- Fascinating.

So, tell me. Why are we going all

the way to f***ing Minnesota...

for a simple stolen car claim?

I picked Minnesota...

- 'cause the town hasn't had a stolen car in 42 years.

- So?

So, the chances of a

brand-new car being stolen...

in a town that hasn't had a

theft in 42 years is 3,000-to-1.

Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.

- I ordered steamed vegetables.

Yeah, you know, hot dish is

all we have after breakfast.

- What is that?

- A spork.

A spork.

Combination of spoon and fork.

Right.

Of course. Of course.

For an ex-cop, you're kind

of a p*ssy, aren't you?

I'm not used to traveling. So what?

I'm not talking about that. The cashier.

You've been checking her

out for, like, 20 minutes...

but you haven't said anything.

I don't have time to...

- I'm here to concentrate on work.

- Right.

Okay, listen, Casanova.

When we go to interview this car

claim, just let me do the talking.

All right?

Spork.

First rule of investigation:

Notice everything.

- Would you like a cookie?

- Oh, no, thank you.

Um, according to the form here, Mr. Sparrow...

it says the men took the car

from you at gunpoint, correct?

- Yeah, that's how Bob got shot.

- How completely terrifying.

Um, could you, for the record, just

repeat the description of the men?

Oh, well, they were, uh, bad guys.

They were definitely, uh,

you know, from the city there.

They weren't from around

here. I would have known 'em.

Okay, so, bad men from the city.

Thank you, Mr. Sparrow. We're done.

- We're what?

- Done.

Oh, I don't want any trouble. I just...

I want the money back for my truck, is all.

Why are you making it so complicated?

I go through a hundred cases a year.

Ninety-nine percent of them

are just plain accidents.

I mean, if he was lying...

The things, they just happen. It's fate.

I believe in behavior, not fate.

So lightning comes shooting out of the sky...

and you're gonna blame the

poor slob who got hit by it?

If he's playing golf

during a thunderstorm, yes!

God.

Well, so what if I just decided to walk

out here on the oh-so-dangerous ice.

No, no. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Yeah, you probably wouldn't unzip your

fly without assessing the risk first.

You know, you're being

stupid. You're not being funny.

And 20% of back injuries occur on...

Siri!

I'm coming! Sh*t.

You all right?

No. Yeah. I mean... It's just the fish.

Oh, Jesus. Sounds like you have a concussion.

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