The Break-Up Artist Page #5

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break-up service?

You pretended to like me?

Whoa, whoa. I was just doing market research,

all right, checking out my competition.

I couldn't know

that you'd fall for me.

Besides, I was told you were this

emotionally tough businesswoman and, well,

possibly not even into dudes.

Anyway, Brooksy,

here's the deal.

Love is the one thing in this

world that people will always need.

E-Mate brings 'em together,

and E-Dump pulls them apart.

I control both ends of love's production.

It's capitalism at its finest.

You're Microsoft-ing

break-ups?

Britney, I'm sorry.

It's just business.

I never meant to hurt you.

That's my line too,

you hack!

Hmph.

It's okay. You've been in this

situation before, just on the other side.

Compose yourself and leave with dignity.

Hmm. Hmm.

Loser.

You know, for years

I told my dumpees...

that life goes on

and it'll all be okay,

but now I realize there aren't

plenty of other fish in the sea.

Nope. All the good fish

have been caught.

The ones left swimming have been

tossed back in by someone else.

Come on.

Oh, I love this song.

Turn it off!

- Oh.

God, I am so done with Rick.

He's a lying, immature,

scummy, two-faced--

Do you think, if I lost

Oh.

We need to tell her

about the mortgage.

Not while she's in a serial stage.

It'll kill her.

Air kisses all.

You need to dump Mike for me.

Turns out he's not rich.

He's got all these expensive-looking

paintings in his place,

but he, like,

drew them himself.

Ah, the nerve!

Britney needs a break right now, Ash.

She's taking things one day at a time.

No, no.

If one more person tells me to

take things one day at a time, I'm--

I'm gonna start taking things

two days at a time.

Yeah. I'm gonna jump

from Monday to Thursday.

If Rick wants a break-up

battle, he's gonna get one.

You do not mess

with the master.

Mmm.

Britney, hey. It's really great to

see you. What are you doing here?

Mike, Ashley is--

Amazing. I know, I know.

She's like my own personal angel.

Ashley, an angel?

She may be the Antichrist.

I have priests looking into it.

You have really

incredible eyes.

You and Ashley, you both have

these just amazing, piercing eyes.

Every time she looks at me,

it's like, she's just--

you know, peeling back

the layers of my soul.

Ashley's breaking up with you.

What?

Yeah, it's, uh--

it's what she does.

I'm sorry, but it's over.

Wait a minute.

Wait a--

But I totally recommend the lobster

ravioli here. Get it with the Alfredo.

I should've been nicer to her.

I should've treated her better.

Been there--

Do you think, if I gained

Oh, no! Ashley!

Steven, you're past due

for a dumping.

They did?

Half the price?

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