T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #4

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AT A COLLEGE, AND SHE GOES,

"OH, MY GOD.

"I AM SO SORRY.

ALL THEY HAD WAS HAM SANDWICHES.

SO I GOT YOU A HAM SANDWICH.

IS THAT OKAY?"

I SAID, "A HAM SANDWICH?

"THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE

TURKEY SANDWICH.

I LIKE THE WAY:

YOU'RE INTERPRETING THINGS."

AND THEN, IF YOU CAN'T--

YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'T BUY ME

A REAL PINATA,

THEN ANYONE CAN DRAW A PINATA.

AND IF YOU CAN'T,

THEN I'LL REFUSE TO PERFORM,

LIKE I DID IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

AT ELMIRA COLLEGE

FOR 25 MINUTES.

AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS,

IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD

A 22-YEAR-OLD

BEGRUDGINGLY DRAW YOU

A PINATA...

I RECOMMEND IT.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

"HERE, YOU HAPPY?

YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE GAME, T.J.?

HERE.

YOU HAPPY?"

"BUT WHERE WILL HE HANG FROM?"

AND THEN SOMETIMES PEOPLE

GIVE ME REALLY COOL PINATAS,

AND I ALWAYS TAKE THEM HOME,

AND YOU GOT TO CARRY THEM

ON THE PLANE,

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CHECK A PINATA.

THAT SHOULD BE A T-SHIRT.

BUT I WAS AT THIS SMALL AIRPORT.

IT WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

MAYBE TWO GATES, 25 PASSENGERS,

AND I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,

AND WHEN I CAME OUT,

THERE WAS A TSA AGENT,

AND SHE WAS ALREADY MAD AT ME.

NEVER MET ME.

ALREADY.

"SIR, EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU HAVE:

ALL YOUR BELONGINGS?"

I SAID, "YEAH, I THINK--"

"REALLY?

"THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS

OVER THERE?

THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS?"

AND I JUST LOOK OVER,

AND MY BELONGINGS

THAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOU WAS JUST THIS SINGLE,

SOLITARY, LONELY PINATA, LIKE...

"WHAT DID I DO?"

YOU KNOW?

I BELIEVE HE WAS ECUADORIAN.

AND I SAID, "OH, YEAH.

THAT'S MINE.

I JUST, LIKE, COULDN'T CARRY I INTO THE BATH--"

SHE GOES, "SIR, IF YOU DON' HAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU,

"WE'RE FORCED TO CONFISCATE

AND DESTROY THEM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

AND I SAID, "OKAY, YEAH,

I JUST--I DIDN'T HAVE--"

SHE GOES, "SIR, FORCED

TO CONFISCATE AND DESTROY THEM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

AND SHE WAS BEING SO RUDE,

I COULDN'T HELP IT.

I WAS JUST LIKE,

"YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.

"FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T CARE

ABOUT THOSE BELONGINGS.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY

YOU'RE MAKING IT PLURAL.

"ARE YOU COUNTING

THE LEGS SEPARATELY?

"SO YOU CAN CONFISCATE IT,

AND TWO, YOU SHOULD KNOW

"THAT IF YOU DESTROY

THOSE BELONGINGS,

YOU'RE GONNA GE A LOT OF CANDY."

[applause]

SHE DIDN'T FIND THAT VERY FUNNY.

I HAVE A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW

WITH ANYBODY WHO HAS A SMALL

MODICUM OF AUTHORITY OVER YOU,

BUT THEN THEY EXER MORE CONTROL THAN THEY NEED TO

BECAUSE I MAKES THEM FEEL IMPORTANT,

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE TSA.

FOR INSTANCE, RECENTLY I WAS

TRYING TO PAY BY CREDIT CARD

AT A HAUNTED HOUSE.

AND THE GIRL SAID, "I'M GONNA

NEED TO SEE SOME I.D."

AND I COULDN'T FIND MY I.D.,

AND I SAID, "LOOK, I'M SO SORRY,

"BUT THESE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS,

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