T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #3

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GODDAMN IT!

"HOLD ON A SECOND.

DON'T YOU TELL ME!

"I'M GONNA THINK OF IT.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

"SON OF A B*TCH, TREVOR!

DON'T--

"ALL RIGHT, YOU TELL ME

EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN.

"I'LL TELL YOU

EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN.

"THEN WE'LL MATCH IT UP,

AND THEN I'LL DECIDE

IF IT'S WORTH

TAKING A PICTURE."

WHICH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WAN TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME,

YOU KNOW, FOR WHATEVER REASON,

YOU'RE WELCOME TO,

BUT TAKE A PRACTICE SHOT.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS WEIRD,

BUT SO OFTEN, I'LL BE POSING,

LIKE, WITH A GIRL,

AND HER BOYFRIEND

WILL BE USING HER CAMERA,

AND HE WON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT,

AND SO THEN I'M POSING,

AND YOU KNOW, SHE'S,

YOU KNOW,

STANDING NEXT TO ME, LIKE...

"PRESS THE BUTTON.

"PRESS THE--

THE BUTTON ON THE FRONT.

"PRESS THE--

FINE, PRESS THE OTHER--

"PRESS THE ONE

THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAMERA.

"PRESS THE--

"PRESS--FINE, PRESS THE ONE

BUTTON THAT YOU HAVEN'T PRESSED.

"WHY DON'T YOU TRY

PRESSING THAT?

"WHAT DON'T YOU PRESS

THAT BUTTON?

"HE'S SO STUPID.

HE CHEATED ON ME IN JULY.

PRESS THE BUTTON!"

THEN IT'S JUST ME LIKE...

GOT TO WET THAT WHISTLE,

YOU KNOW?

ONE TIME I HAD A GUY--

THIS GUY APPROACHED ME

AT THE AIRPORT, AND HE GOES,

"HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR."

AND I SAID, "YEAH, WELL,

YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME IN, LIKE,

SOME MOVIES OR ON TV

OR SOMETHING."

HE GOES, "NAH, WHAT HIGH SCHOOL

DID YOU GO TO?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "EAST HIGH."

AND HE WAS LIKE--

[cheering]

ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

HE WAS EQUALLY EXCITED.

AND I SAID, "EAST HIGH."

AND HE GOES,

"YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO."

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DIDN'T SAY

THE STATE OR THE CITY,

AND IT'S NAMED AFTER

A DIRECTION,"

AND HE GOES, "DID YOU RUN

TRACK AND FIELD?"

AND I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T,

SO MAYBE IT'S CHELSEA LATELY."

HE GOES, "ME NEITHER.

WHAT WAS YOUR:

BEST FRIEND'S NAME?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "IT WAS LLOYD,

BUT I--"

THEN HE GOES, "I'M LLOYD."

AND THAT'S HOW I RECONNECTED

WITH MY BEST FRIEND

FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

[applause]

DON'T BE PRESUMPTUOUS.

THERE ARE GOOD THINGS

ABOUT BECOMING A LITTLE BI MORE RECOGNIZABLE.

I NOW HAVE A RIDER,

SO THAT'S WHAT I REQUIRE,

OR I WON'T PERFORM,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,

SOME PEOPLE HAVE, LIKE,

NO BROWN M&M'S

OR WHATEVER.

SO I HAVE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

A STOOL AND WATER

AND EVERYTHING,

BUT I ALSO PUT SOME THINGS

IN THERE JUST FOR ME,

YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.

LIKE, I REQUIRE--

IT SAYS IN THE RIDER--

A TERRIBLE TURKEY SANDWICH,

AND THEN, IN PARENTHESES,

IT SAYS,

"OPEN TO INTERPRETATION."

AND THEN,

EITHER A REAL PINATA

OR A HAND-DRAWN PICTURE

OF A PINATA.

NOW, I DO THIS

FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

ONE, I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS.

TWO, IT'S NOT VERY HARD.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I HAD THIS

GIRL COME UP TO ME ONCE AND--

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