T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #5

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AND I SAID I WOULD PAY,

"SO YOU COULD YOU JUST--

CAN YOU MAKE AN EXCEPTION

THIS ONE TIME?"

AND SHE GOES, "SORRY.

NO CREDIT CARD, NO I.D."

WHICH DIDN'T MAKE

ANY SENSE AT ALL.

IN FACT, THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE

OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD

TIME TO BRING THAT UP.

SO I SAID, "LOOK, I KNOW THAT.

"I UNDERSTAND

THAT'S THE PROTOCOL,

"BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY

PERSON HERE, YOU KNOW,

SO MAYBE:

YOU COULD MAKE AN--"

I MEAN, SHE WASN' THE ONLY PERSON THERE.

THAT WOULD BE:

A TERRIBLE HAUNTED HOUSE.

SHE'S JUST LIKE,

"HERE'S YOUR CHANGE.

"HOLD ON FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT.

"COME ON BACK!

"AH!

WAIT HERE, LIKE, 20, 30."

BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON

THAT HAD TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT RULE,

SO SHE DIDN'T LET US IN,

SO AS I LEFT,

I JUST TURNED TO HER,

AND I WENT, "SO LET ME JUS GET ALL THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?

"SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU WON' LET ME PAY FOR MY FRIENDS

"AND I TO GO

INTO YOUR ESTABLISHMEN "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE I.D.

FOR A CREDIT CARD

"THAT YOU'RE CONCERNED I STOLE

"AND HEADED

STRAIGHT TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE?

"I JUST FOUND A CREDIT CARD,

AND I WAS LIKE, 'FREE MONEY!

"'WHAT DO WE DO, ELECTRONICS?

NO, LET'S GET SCARED WITH OUR

FRIENDS FOR 25 MINUTES!'"

AND I WAS REALLY PISSED TOO,

YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I DON'T GET SCARED

BY MOVIES ANYMORE, YOU KNOW,

OR THE DARK OR SPIDERS.

IT'S MOSTLY JUST HAUNTED HOUSES

AND THEN STEPHEN KING NOVELS.

DO YOU GUYS GET SCARED BY THOSE?

ARE THOSE SCARY?

[scattered applause]

YEAH, IF YOU DON'T THINK SO,

THEN YOU'RE WRONG,

AND YOU NEED TO THINK

ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

I'M SORRY,

THAT'S THIS CATCHPHRASE

THAT I'M TRYING

TO GET TO CATCH ON, YOU KNOW?

BUT IT DOESN' REALLY FIT ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW.

THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

ANYWAY...

BUT STEPHEN KING NOVELS,

THEY REALLY--THEY DO.

THEY SCARE ME.

THEY'RE SO SCARY,

I THINK HE'S GOT TO GET SCARED

WHILE HE'S WRITING THEM.

DO YOU THINK?

DO YOU THINK HE'S EVER, LIKE,

"OH, GOD.

"OH, JESUS CHRIST.

"WHAT WILL I WRITE NEXT?

AH!"

THEY'RE SO SCARY,

SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN WAN TO TURN THE PAGE, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANT TO THROW THE BOOK

OUT THE WINDOW.

OR IF I'M IN A ROOM

WITH NO WINDOWS,

I WANT TO RUN INTO ANOTHER ROOM

AND THROW IT OUT OF THAT WINDOW.

OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE

WITH NO WINDOWS,

I WANT TO RUN DOWNSTAIRS AND

THROW IT OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.

OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE

WITH NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS,

THAT'S SCARY.

HOW DID I GET IN THERE?

I'M NOT A VERY COOL GUY.

I'M REALLY NOT.

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE

WHAT DO COOL GUYS DO

WHEN THEY GET A CORONA,

HUH?

WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THE LIME?

THEY'LL PRESS THE LIME DOWN

INTO THE BOTTLE,

AND THEN THEY TURN

THE BOTTLE UPSIDE DOWN

SO THAT THE LIME SLOWLY

FLOATS UPWARDS:

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