Swiss Army Man Page #4

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It's kinda like sex.

- But by yourself?

- Yeah.

Masturbating makes people happy?

It's supposed to, sure.

I bet you masturbate a lot.

I can't believe we're talking about this.

Manny, people aren't supposed to talk

about this stuff.

Look, I just don't do it very much.

The first time my dad caught me

looking at one of those magazines,

he got really upset.

Why?

Well, I guess parents don't like knowing

that their kids look

at that kind of stuff.

That's why they tell them they'll...

they'll go to hell or go blind.

But my dad...

He didn't believe in that stuff,

so my dad said,

"Hank, uh, when you... you know,

uh, it expends energy,

both in the... in the orgasm

and in the daily reproduction of sperm,

so... so if you do it a lot, it adds up,

and it shortens your life span,

and that's why, on average, males

have shorter life spans,

because they... you know. "

So you were scared of death?

Yeah. I... I was pretty upset.

And then my mom saw that I was crying,

and so she said this ridiculous thing.

She said that she was 40 and I was 11 and,

if I masturbated enough,

I could catch up to her

and, that way, we could die on the exact

same day and never be apart.

I think she was trying to be funny.

Oh.

Ah, it's not funny.

Oh. Okay.

She had a weird sense of humor.

And even if she was right,

I wouldn't have been able to jack off

fast enough to catch up.

She died shortly after.

And so now, when you masturbate,

you think about your mom.

Ah, Manny, no. That's weird.

Weird?

Weird is like... when you do stuff

that nobody else does,

so they make fun of you for it.

So when I say that I can't masturbate

because it makes me think about my mom,

people laugh at you.

But that's fun.

Making people laugh is great.

It's not, because they call you names

like Hanky Wanky,

you have to change schools,

and it's... it's not fun.

Hank, when I masturbate,

I'm gonna think about your mom.

Manny, stop.

But if I think about your mom

when I masturbate,

- then you won't be weird anymore, right?

- No. Just quit talking.

- I'm just trying to help.

- Well, you're not,

so stop talking and stop asking questions.

Should I just go back to being dead?

Yes, you should. Die in a fire.

Manny, hey.

Manny, I'm sorry I got upset.

Focus. Are we going the right way?

Manny.

Buddy, I need you.

I need you, your special compass.

Okay.

Holy...

Something enormous took a dump here.

We better be careful.

Ohh!

Careful.

- Hey, Hank.

- Quiet.

I thought you wanted me

to start talking again.

I do. But right now,

I need you to be quiet.

Well, I'm still not very good at

controlling the volume of my voice, Hank.

- You have to teach me...

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