Swiss Army Man

---

What?

Hey.

Hey. Hey!

Hey, you okay?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Please.

Please don't be dead. You okay?

Hello. Hey. Hey.

Hey, you okay?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Please don't be dead. Come on.

Oh. Uh...

And two. Breathe.

Holy sh*t.

Heh. That was funny.

Heh. That was really funny.

You know, I...

I had always hoped

that right before I die...

...my life would flash before my eyes

and I would see wonderful things...

A life full of parties and friends and...

and how I'd learned to play the guitar,

and... and maybe there'd even be a girl.

But as I was hanging up there...

...I didn't really see much of anything.

But I did see you.

And I know...

I know it sounds dumb, but I...

I really thought for a moment that...

that maybe, just maybe there was

a reason that you...

Wah wah wah, wah wah wah

Wah wah wah, wah wah wah

Ay ay ay, ay ay

- Wah wah wah, wah wah wah

- Ay ay ay, ay ay

Bra-da, bra-da

Bra-da

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait for me! Wait for me!

Go! Go! Go!

Cheese puffs?

Hello, world!

My name is Hank Thompson,

and I've been stranded out on

an island in the Pacific all alone!

And this man,

this man saved me from the brink of death

when he allowed me

to ride him like a jet ski,

propelled by his f...

How did you do that?

Maybe... Maybe your...

your gases built up from decomposition

and maybe your soul leaving you?

Why am I talking to you?

Please work.

Hello, world.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Hello!

Hello.

Help!

Oh. You see that?

There's gonna be people there.

They're gonna feed us and take care of us.

Everybody's gonna want to hear our story,

and I'm gonna be all buff

from carrying you around.

Ohh. That's not funny.

Hello?

Help.

Help!

Oh, where did you come from,

where did you go?

Where did you come from,

Cotton Eye Joe?

Man, it's always the song that you hate

that gets stuck in your head.

Uh, sorry.

You can't sleep either?

My mom used to sing this song to me

when I couldn't sleep

so I wouldn't overthink things,

but I don't remember the words.

Crazy

I'm f***ing crazy

Maybe, just maybe

I'll make it alone

Rescued

I thought I was rescued

But you're just a dead dude

And I'm gonna die

There's gotta be a better way

To get out of here

Where do you come from

Cotton Eye Joe?

Let me eat you.

Ahh!

Huh? Come on!

Somebody help!

You're... you're just laying there

like a disgusting, useless sack of sh*t.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to go.

Thanks for your help, kind of.

Why?

No. No, no, no. No.

No, you a**hole. Stop it.

Ohh! Ahh!

Water! Water!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Okay.

Ah, you're the grossest thing

in this gross world.

Wait. No.

No, please. Please.

Please, I'm sorry. Please don't stop.

What?

Mah... ehh.

Mahn... ehh.

Manny?

Is that your name?

Mahn... ehh.

Hi, Manny. I'm Hank. Um...

Hhh... nk.

Hiiii.

Hi.

Huh... luh.

Hello.

- Hello...

- Hel... lo...

- Hank.

- Hank.

That's very good.

I...

Come on. Talk to me, buddy.

Stop mumbling, please.

Talk to me. Please. Speak up, Manny.

How do you expect anyone to want to talk

to you if you sound retarded?

I sound like my dad.

I'm sorry.

Hey. I didn't mean that.

Hey, you talk however you want.

You can mumble, look at your feet

all day long.

Okay, buddy?

Okay, buddy.

Hi.

Hello.

Why did you hit me? Hey.

Why did you hit me?

I'm sorry. I...

I thought you were dead.

Am I dead?

I don't think so. You're talking.

But I sound retarded.

No, no, you sound great.

Don't say that word. I didn't...

I'm a useless...

- sack of sh*t?

- No, man.

Hey.

No. No, I didn't mean that.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes