Stealing Harvard Page #5

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Are you going to rob a bank?

No, baby. I'm Johnny Cash. Hello.

But I'll look at the house

on the way home. Okay?

Soon as I'm done robbing that bank.

Have a good time.

- Okay. Ready?

- Yeah. Let's go.

Sorry.

All right.

- Here we go.

- Let's go. Let's go, let's go.

- Under the fence.

- Wait.

Go. Go. Go.

What are you doing? It's open.

John. See those dead bushes?

I planted those.

- That's the window there.

- Who should go first?

- I'm not going in.

- What?

Someone has to watch in case

he comes home.

- You said he would be out.

- He will be.

- Then why do we need a lookout?

- We don't. Just go in.

- You go in.

- I don't need money. Why risk it?

- What risk?

- There is no risk.

Just go!

- Crap! John.

- Hello?

John!

Good luck, buddy.

Well, well. What have we here?

- Please don't shoot me.

- I'm not going to shoot you.

- Are you gonna call the police?

- No.

What are you gonna do?

My wife died several years ago,

and it's...

It's really nice

to have someone around.

- Now what?

- Now we're going to spoon.

Spoon?

You remember when we went

to Nova Scotia that spring...

...and we had those sand dabs

at that restaurant on the bay?

- Yes.

- Weren't they tasty?

Yes.

I don't think we've ever had sand dabs

that tasty again.

- Remember the boat ride over?

- Yes.

We drove.

Oh, yeah.

Happy times. Turn.

The petting zoo...

All right. Now we do the photo shoot.

Oh, my God.

It won't do you any good

to tell anyone.

I'm a respected member of the

community. No one will believe you.

A mint?

I'm not gay.

I miss her very much...

...and I haven't been able

to properly grieve and let go.

- Do you understand?

- Yeah.

Catch you around here again,

I'll kill you!

That was enough. I had to tell Elaine

that Noreen needed our money.

And no matter how unpleasant

that would be...

...it couldn't hold a candle

to the fetish I just endured.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Wait. Don't you think you should tell

me what happened at that house?

What?

You said you were gonna

look at that house.

That house.

Yeah, I looked at it.

- It was great. Great.

- Oh, God.

I am so glad you liked it.

Because I did something bad.

I can't even believe I did this,

but I put in an offer.

- What do you mean?

- I know. It seems so impulsive.

But I just love the house so much,

and you do too, so...

- What about the $30,000?

- It's gone!

All of it. In escrow. And we find out

tomorrow if they accept the offer.

Isn't it exciting? Everything is

working out exactly like we planned.

Aren't you thrilled?

- Yeah.

- You don't look thrilled.

I'm in happy shock.

Duff! You left me there.

You said he wasn't home

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