Stealing Harvard

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People always talk about fate.

Destiny.

I never used to believe in that. Some

things are just out of your control.

Like my parents.

They died when I was 1 8.

There was nothing I could do

about that.

But was that fate?

Then you would have to say

everything was fate.

Who you spend your life with.

What you end up doing for a living.

Is what happens prepackaged

and served to me by a higher power?

I didn't think so,

but there has to be some explanation.

Because my life was totally different

a couple weeks ago.

- I went to the bank today.

- Yeah?

- Have you checked our balance lately?

- No.

- Wait. Did we? Did we do it?

- We did it!

We have exactly $30,006.

We can get married!

Yes.

I know you thought it was silly

to wait until we had this money...

...before we got married, but now

we can put a payment on a house...

...we can plan a family...

- Elaine was incredible.

I'm so happy.

Not here.

- You can kiss me at home.

- Although she did have one odd habit.

She cried when we made love.

Very loud crying, which

made it kind of tough to concentrate.

Are you okay?

- Bye, sweetie.

- Bye.

She ran a gift-basket business.

It was about to turn the corner.

And I was the assistant manager

at Homespital...

...a store that sold medical supplies

for the home.

I know it's a lot of money, sir,

but it's a lot of chair.

- John? In my office.

- Excuse me.

If there was one problem, it was that I

worked for Elaine's father, Mr. Warner.

There always seemed to be

an unspoken tension between us.

John-boy! Come on in. Sit down.

My little girl told me the big news.

- Well, I'm glad, John. I'm really glad.

- Yes, sir!

He wasn't glad. He hated me.

I think he even trained his dog, Rex,

to hate me too.

You're an honorable kid.

You don't see that these days.

I appreciate that you have been

true to your word to me...

...and that you have not

slept with my daughter.

Have you slept with her, John?

- No, sir.

- Okay, all right. I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna give you

a few seconds of immunity.

If you've slept with her, tell me here,

tell me now, and we'll let it go.

Have you slept with my daughter?

Mr. Warner,

I have never slept with Elaine.

Good! Goddamn it, that's good.

If you had, I was gonna kick

your balls into your head...

...and let them rattle in your skull

like dice in a cup. Have a good one.

To be completely honest,

he sort of gave me the creeps.

He had a slightly weird relationship

with his daughter.

But aside from that and my job...

...life was pretty good.

- Hi.

- Hi. John, look at this biscuit basket.

- Think the biscotti makes it look busy?

- No, it looks great.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

It does look good.

I'm proud of this basket.

- You should be. It's good work.

- Thank you.

- We should head to my sister's soon.

- Oh, yeah.

I'm not going.

Elaine never liked my sister, Patty.

Maybe it's because

Patty was a free spirit.

I say free spirit because

I'm uncomfortable calling her...

...sexually indiscriminate trailer trash.

- Hey, Patty!

- Where's Elaine?

Headache.

Poor thing.

Probably from being such a b*tch 24/7.

You know, she really likes you.

And I'm growing a dick,

how about that?

Elaine wanted me to give you

this gift basket.

God! Fantastic!

Because this one was starting to reek.

- Thanks.

- I hope you didn't clean on my account.

Hey, you know what? It has been

crazy around here, all right?

Both of the cats ran away.

Both of them. Two cats, MIA.

- What would make them do that?

- Self-respect?

- Hi, Uncle John!

- Hey!

Noreen's my niece.

We're not sure who her dad is...

...so I spent as much time with her

as I could.

- Happy Halloween!

- Hi! What are you?

I'm the Statue of Liberty.

You could say I'm the closest thing

she has to a father figure.

- Good luck!

- Thanks, Uncle John!

Come on! These carcasses

don't move themselves.

And I'm proud to say,

she turned out to be a great kid.

Genuine, hard-working...

...and in spite of everything that had

happened around her, normal.

- Hi.

- Why are we watching these?

We're celebrating. Noreen has news.

- Please tell me you're not pregnant.

- Uncle John!

Here we go! Remember this?

Hi. Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

Has the spelling bee started yet?

She's already out.

Got her on the first word.

It was rigged. I'm writing a letter!

Noreen. I'm sorry.

- What was the word she misspelled?

- Tarp.

- Tarp?

- Yeah.

T-A-R-P?

Great.

Where were you five minutes ago?

- I'm stupid.

- No, you're not. You're smart.

- Yes.

- You'll do great in school...

...you're gonna go to college,

you're gonna be brilliant.

Well, Uncle John, you were half right.

I don't know if I'm brilliant,

but guess who got into Harvard?

- I can't believe it!

- What?

- I got accepted to Harvard University!

- You're kidding!

That's what this is about?

That's incredible!

- I know!

- My little goddamned genius!

See? What did I tell you?

You work hard and follow your dreams,

and things will always work out.

You were right.

- Bet you're sorry you promised.

- What promise?

Wait! Here it comes. My favorite part.

I'm never gonna go into college now.

Yes, you will. I guarantee it.

I believe in you so much,

know what I'm gonna do?

- What?

- I'm paying for it.

You get into college,

and I'll pay for it.

And that's a promise

from your Uncle John.

I'll be right back.

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