Spring Page #3

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I lay off the scag personally, don't I?

But it's your holiday, mate.

You do what you f***ing like.

Let's see if the Yank

can f***ing keep up, eh?

Boo!

Look at that.

Well done, bruv.

Oh, my God, I wish I could

f***ing talk Italian, you know?

Bunch of sixes, bruv.

- Sixes?

- Ciao. Ciao.

Oh, he's a goddamn American hero.

Oi, oi.

You like me? No?

No. Absolutely.

Go on. Go on. Oh, my God.

No, what are you doing, mate?

No, f***ing hell, mate.

No, you got to be more aggressive

if you want to shag

an Italian bird like that, mate.

What are you talking about?

What are you telling him for?

At least he went up there,

but you didn't do nothing.

You just don't give a little f***ing...

- What?

- F***ing hell.

Thank you for the beer, man.

Ah, you're welcome. Oh...

Where are you at?

We're gonna hire a car tomorrow,

go down the coast.

Do you want to chip in with some petrol?

Go on and get...

get a hold of that. Go on.

- Come on, Evan!

- Get it f***in' in ya!

I said, "F*** you, you c*nt."

Do you remember that?

I was like, "F*** you, you c*nt."

Proper c*nt.

I'm like, "F*** you, you mug."

Next thing you know,

I got punched in the face, mate.

Woke up three days later in hospital

the c*nt had f***in' done me.

He didn't help. He didn't help.

He didn't help.

You ever seen "8 Mile"?

You seen that movie "8 Mile"?

- Yeah.

- Right? It's like that.

So, geezers just rapping.

And then, I swear to God, one geezer

goes... goes up on the mic, right?

And he goes,

"Who can f***ing battle me, blud?"

All this f***ing bollocks.

"Who gonna battle me?"

I said, "Do you know what,

f*** this c*nt. I'll f***in' have a go."

Never rapped in me life, bruv.

Never f***ing rapped in my life.

Went up there, mate.

Proper smashed him, mate,

with a bottle in the face.

Birds, eh?

F***in' birds.

I was, uh...

I was seeing this girl once.

She's the love of my f***ing

life, pal, you know?

Known her since school,

first kiss, all that f***ing sh*t. Yeah.

Talked about having kids together,

the whole lot.

And one day,

she's in this pub

and she meets this bloke

from Ibiza, DJ, something.

Got a flat out there.

She only f***ing leaves me

and goes and lives

with this c*nt in Ibiza.

Broke my f***ing heart, mate.

Anyway, two years later,

I'm in me local supermarket

and I f***ing see her there.

She was proper fat.

Sunburnt, skin like leather...

teeth like f***ing doggins,

it was disgusting. I loved it.

You're lucky I'm here, pal.

'Cause most men don't share

their emotions like I do.

- Hey, mate, you got a Wi-Fi code?

- No, I ain't got a Wi-Fi code.

You do have the Wi-Fi code, mate.

Can I just...

I gave it to you last night, man.

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