Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #4

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Hm.

(# Vocalises theme to Antiques Roadshow)

(Australian accent) How much

do you reckon that is?

How much?

How f***ing much will l get for that?

That's a f***ing beauty, that is. F***in'...

(Posh accent) Well, yes,

l'll just have a look for you.

As you can see this is inscripted on the side

''Hard work has made me what l am today'',

and normally it's slightly worn

but l believe the original makers had the

word ''f***ed'' just underneath there,

denoting that it was a novelty gift.

Now, if l'm not mistaken

this was made in lndonesia, and, um...

if we just have a look on the bottom here

you should see -

yes, it's made in lndonesia,

by a company called Gimmicky Gifts.

And if l'm not mistaken

that company's phone number was 029...

(Australian accent) Oh, you're f***ing

ripper, you f***ing beauty.

(Posh accent)

That's worth about four dollars.

(Australian accent) Oh, get f***ed!

(Posh accent) Hm. Lovely.

l love it. You know what a bogun

shouted at me the other day?

And they love to, out of Utes, l've noticed.

There's...

Do you think when boguns

are buying their Utes they say, er,

they're having a look

at what they're gonna get -

four-wheel drive and all the features,

and they go,

(Australian accent) You mind

if l try the f***in' window?

Get f***ed!

Yeah, it's a f***in' beauty, eh?

l'll f***in' have that.

This fella...

l'm quite enjoying doing a gig

holding a mug.

l wish that had a bit of hot tea in it now.

The... And myself and Sir Peter Ustinov...

You know what's good about mugs, right?

You can, er... Obviously you can drink out of

them, that's quite a good thing about mugs.

''Thanks, Ross, for that bit of advice.

''Oh, how does he do it?''

The... (Chuckles)

No, what's quite good is -

you might not realise -

if you hold a mug close enough to your face

you can, er...

accurately impersonate Ronan Keating.

l'll show you. Look.

(# Distorted singing)

The, um...

This is great, this,

the start of the second half -

just me doing admin.

lt's, like, slightly scary

when there's an actual...

somebody's written me a note

on a picture of my own face.

(Chuckles)

Just put that down there, like that. There.

You will tell me if you see Tiny Ross

creeping up on me?

No, this...

Somebody's written on here...

For God's sake,

are you bloody stalking me?

Somebody asked me this the other night.

''Ross, what's better, pirates or ninjas?''

(Audience shouting out)

(Man) Ninjas!

l can't help feeling l'm not required here.

l've got a feeling we could just

turn the lights on

and you would have quite happily

just shouted at each other.

''Pirates!''

''Ninjas!''

lt's ninjas, every time.

There's, er, obviously, you know...

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