Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #3

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cos you don't wanna be, like...

pavement, whack the dog.

pavement, whack the...you know.

Essentially walking along

smacking a dog with a stick.

(Thudding)

- (Woman) Peter!

- What? ''Peter''?

No, it's the blind stick,

it's not him and his massive...

Oh, dear.

A blind man with his bits. (Thudding)

Dog's going like that,

''Oh, God, l'm gonna bite that in a minute''.

(Chuckles) Eh?

Give a dog a bone.

No, no! Don't...

You've let me down,

you've let yourselves down.

That was unnecessary smut

and l do apologise.

But it was there. l thought,

oh, there's the net, there we go. lt's in.

lt's in. The... That's football, by the way.

You lot are going,

what's that freaky game he's playing?

He should pick it up and then kick it

and then fight with somebody and...

Unh! Uh!

All that business.

Hey?

(Laughs)

(Thudding)

That'd be quite good cos the blind man

could just join the end of a pipe band

or something.

And just beat the dog in time.

(Whispers) Sorry.

(Mouths)

How good is that? Look.

That's my special effect.

(Applause)

Thank you. Ohh...

lt's not easy when you've got a metal spine.

(Chuckles) lt's great, that.

You're quite happy to allow me

to take the piss out of a blind man

but l just crossed the line

a little bit too much there.

Don't take the piss out of pipe bands.

The, um... (Whispers) Sorry.

l don't even know

what to look at first down here.

Somebody's left a mug on the stage here.

l don't know whether or not that's a gift

for me or whether one of the, er...

lazy slack-arse crew

has wandered through and just gone...

''Oh, l'll just leave that there''.

- That's...

- (Man) What's it say?

What's it say? l'll have a look, shall l?

Ooh, are you Grissom from CSl?

The, um...

''What's it say, Ross?

Have a look, there might be a clue.''

Hm.

lt says ''Gimmicky Gifts, Australia.

Made in lndonesia.''

Telephone number 02 9554 60 80.

That's not much of a novelty -

oh, it's on the side!

l'm a fool to myself. ''Hard work

has made me what l am today - f***ed''.

Are you kidding me?

You've just laughed

at the side of a jokey mug.

lf l'd known that l would've just

brought out a hundred mugs.

Just picked them up

and read the thing like that.

''You don't have to be mad to work here

but it helps.''

He's a genius.

You're making me feel

slightly less special now.

Thank you very much. lt's not often

somebody goes to the effort of, er...

you know, thinks, ''Noble's here,

how can we make him feel welcome?

''Should we applaud, should we cheer?''

No, let's give him the gift of crockery.

That's...

Either that or somebody's come along

thinking that this is an episode

of Bogun Antiques Roadshow.

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