Rebirth Page #4

And then we've gotta go back out there.

Back to their bullshit.

[crowd] Yeah.

[man 6] That's right.

Two days and two rules.

The first rule, the most important rule,

the golden rule,

the alpha and omega rule,

is you can leave any time you want.

[man 1] Yeah.

[man 2] Exactly.

- [man 3] Yeah!

- What's rule number two, guys?

[all] No leaders!

Yeah, no leaders, okay?

What's rule number three?

[all] No spoilers!

You can't tell your friends

what Rebirth is all about.

Just tell them to get their asses

down here.

[man 4] Yeah.

[man 5] Yeah.

Now, the last rule, the platinum rule,

the rule to end all rules is what?

[all] No spectators!

F***ing no spectators.

I remember the first time I made it

through that hotel into Rebirth.

I thought I was a big deal.

- You know, I own three houses.

- [man 1] Yeah.

I got boats in two different oceans.

I haven't flown coach in four years.

I don't need this Rebirth bullshit.

[crowd] Yeah.

And then I realized.

The man you are

before you come to Rebirth...

...doesn't mean jack-f***ing-sh*t!

[all cheering]

[man 1]

Didn't mean sh*t.

Out there is just an image

you create for the zombie world.

- You don't get to be a zombie in here.

- [man 2] No.

You've gotta murder

your inner zombie here.

[all] Yeah!

You've gotta wrap it in plastic

and stuff a towel in its mouth

- to shut it the f*** up.

- [all] Yeah!

Then you gotta drive it in a car

to a goddamn hole in a desert.

[all cheering]

By the way, how many fetuses

do we have here today?

[all laugh]

Newbies, how many new people?

Get your hands up, let's see it.

All right, you guys may have heard

some scary things about Rebirth.

Who's heard scary things?

You, what scares you about Rebirth?

Nothing.

[all laugh]

Well, I can't argue with that.

Um, all right, how about...

you, big man?

Uh...

Uh...

Nothing.

[man 1] What?

[host] F*** me.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Did you really just make the same joke

that guy made five seconds ago?

What did we say

the most important rule was?

Uh...

- Hello?

- You can leave whenever you want.

All right? Wasn't that...?

No spectators.

- You know why we say that? Hello?

- Uh... Oh.

Hello? Hello? Is anybody home?

- Because, um...

- Because spectators judge.

Right? They just sit back,

they don't take risks.

And they just criticize,

criticize, criticize...

[blathering]

It's like those pussies on the Internet

taking shots at the successful people.

Where are you from, by the way?

- Uh, Minnesota originally.

- Minnesota.

Oh, man, Minnesota.

Minnesota. Minne-Minne-Minne-Minnesota.

Land of the stoics.

Land of good common sense.

I think Mr. Minnesota thinks

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