Office Christmas Party Page #3

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Secret Santa the sh*t

out of the staff meeting.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Can we work and walk?

You're not cold

without a big coat on?

No, I gain fifteen pounds

every winter

so I don't have to wear one.

- Huh. That's a healthy choice.

- Not really.

Hey, are you bringing anybody

to this wine and cheese thing?

Uh, no, I'll be there solo.

Good. Smart. So you can

focus on Tracey, right?

Tracey and I work together.

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying. I can't be

your work wife forever.

Hey, how fast do you think

you'd have to go

- to make that jump?

- Uh...

- Boy, I don't know. In a car?

- Yeah.

I just never

thought about that.

You know,

your mind's like a drunk baby.

What do you think, 80 or 90?

What would Vin do? Vin Diesel?

Or Tyrese?

They'd never make it, right?

It's suicide. Unless

you were going 120, you put

a bunch of free weights

in the trunk to even it out,

you know,

then you just catch air.

Boosh!

"F*** you, gravity,

and you, Dom Toretto!"

Then... (WHOOSHES)

...just a smooth landing,

like a baby's buttocks.

I'd love to pick

this up indoors.

You know, I've only ever seen

the first film,

so I don't know

if I'm much help to you

in this conversation. So...

Are you serious? Why am I

just hearing about this?

We've worked together

for eight years.

They only get more fast!

More furious!

I love this place.

So, what would people want?

Would they like... Ooh!

Is this UV?

Is UV good or bad? I forget.

- (GROANS)

- Not good for the eyes, no.

CLAY:
Does it do

anything here?

Probably. Is this for

- teeth whitening?

- WOMAN:
No.

Okay, what about this, right?

Everybody gets

stressed at work...

- (VIBRATING)

- ...around this time of year.

JOSH:
Huh.

That could get you

a sexual harassment suit.

What? Why?

Not everyone likes d*ldos

for Christmas.

This isn't a dildo.

It's a body massager.

Yeah, well, it's a circumcised

purple penis.

It could be considered sexual.

Why is it like that?

Everything here

could be considered sexual.

Hey, what about this

for Alan from legal?

- (TRIMMER WHIRRING)

- Well, Alan's bald.

(SIGHS) It's so hard

to shop for the bald.

Who are they?

What do they want?

Hair.

You know, maybe we should just

go get some gift cards.

That's exactly

what we should do!

"Here's a gift card

because I don't know you

"and I don't care and I won't

get in trouble for it."

You know,

when my dad ran this company,

Christmas was

actually a big deal.

At the Christmas party

every year,

he would dress up

like Santa Claus,

get everybody f***ed up.

Yeah, you could back then.

He would throw gifts

into the crowd.

Derek Peterson shattered his

femur for a rotisserie set.

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