No Way Jose Page #4

I played you that record.

How much Ambien did you take?

I took some Ambien.

That's what I, you know...

I was trying to tell you. This is just...

This is not...

Maybe, not the best time

for this.

Yeah, well,

maybe you should have thought of that

when you were doing the raping.

Hey, I didn't do the raping.

That's not how you say it.

Come on, man!

Listen, the whole Jose thing,

that's a real thing, man.

I needed street cred

and the Borges and, man...

And I found out I was an

eighth homey and so, you know.

I'm a homey. I'm an eighth homey.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're Mexican.

Unlike Borges,

that's actually Argentinian, but whatever.

It was a three-week

summer fling, you know?

Okay, I was 18, she was 17.

I mean, we were

the same age basically.

You know, I mean, and let me tell

you a little something, man.

This girl knew

her way around the...

I don't know, the rodeo ring,

if you know what I'm talking about.

Ew!

Listen, listen,

the point is...

The point is...

Holy sh*t.

The door is breathing.

Is the door

breathing on your side?

No.

Okay.

Look, sweetie, sweetie...

I just wanted

to get laid, that's all.

I just wanted to

lose my virginity. Okay?

But the thing is, honey,

she fell in love with me.

Because guys like me,

they don't just go and...

They can't just get laid.

You know, they have

to write poems and songs,

so I wrote her these songs.

Her name was Gia.

It was like...

Gia

I can't do it right now.

But the point is,

is that she fell in love.

And she tells her father,

and her father freaks out

because he thinks

she's a virgin.

Which is crazy,

because if you saw

the build on this girl,

it's just not...

Virginity was not an option

for this girl, okay?

The dad...

Honey, you listening?

The dad turns out

to be a sheriff's deputy.

Okay?

And now I'm in an app!

Okay.

Fine.

Why didn't you

tell me this sooner?

I don't know.

Because I...

I was embarrassed, I guess.

You know, I think between

seeing my mommy naked

like way too much as a child

and my father's facts

of life talk consisting of

palming me with a strip of his

old rubbers like he was tipping a

bellhop.

What?

Sick sh*t, right?

I mean, this guy didn't even give me his...

I'm coming. It's the stairs.

You got a house

with too many stairs.

I mean, seriously, honey,

they weren't even reservoir tip.

I mean, they were like vintage

1950 father condoms.

I didn't mean, "What?

Please repeat,"

or "What?

Please free associate."

I've heard these stories.

Okay.

Got... Check.

Okay. So what?

So you lied to me because

your parents have sex organs

and because your dad is awkward?

I'm saying that it was

a very difficult...

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