No Way Jose Page #3

elementary school mailing list.

Honey, don't you think

that's a little premature?

I mean, we're not

even married yet.

No, but we're gonna be

and I thought it'd be good

to get involved

in the neighborhood.

I mean, that's why you moved to Glendale,

right, for the services?

No, that was

for the interminably

long commute back

into civilization.

Jesus!

What?

This is so gross.

What?

They sent me a link

to a sex crimes registry app.

There's an app for that?

Yeah, apparently.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, honey, don't.

You're downloading?

You don't want to download that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, give it.

Stop it. Honey...

You don't 'cause then your

phone gets filled with smut

and then you get...

"iPervert would like

to use your real location.

"Allow?" Yes, allow.

No, don't allow. Honey, don't allow.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You really don't want to allow.

Hey, calm down on the Ambien.

You're gonna pee in the closet again.

I mean, you don't...

Edward Snowden.

What? Stop,

will you quit it?

What... Babe.

I'm feeling a little, woozy.

Um, maybe from the...

Go get a snack.

Yeah, I...

Well, could you get me a slice of cheese?

No.

I have an idea.

Would you like some cheese?

No, thank you.

You don't want to share

some cheese with me?

No.

No? Are you sure?

No, but I'm thinking...

You don't want any cheese?

You know, we could have like a

fondue party, all '70s-style.

I already brushed my teeth.

Going once.

No, thank you.

All right.

We can invite our friends over.

We get weird.

Things could get weird.

You are getting weird.

Okay, I'm gonna get some cheese.

Okay.

Okay, we're the blue dot.

You cool on cheese?

Yep.

You want some cheese?

Your mom's mom

left your mom's dad

right after she was born, right?

And your grandfather

refused to ever

mention your grandmother's name

and your mom spent her entire

adult life looking for her.

Is that right?

That's right.

And then when she found her,

she learned that her biological father

was actually some

mariachi guy in Mexico

that her mom had

a one night stand with

and so you

re-christened or

de-Jewished yourself

Jose.

That's right.

Gramps as it turned out

wasn't Gramps.

It was some guy named Lupe.

And that's the story,

that's why you changed your name?

Yeah, I mean, it's a true story.

It's the story of Jose Stern.

Or is it the story

of Joseph Stern,

the rapist?

I swear to God...

F***. Whoa.

Hey. Honey.

Honey, no, no.

Sweetie-kins.

Hey, you got to open the...

Come on, sweetie,

I'm f***ed up, man.

Don't call me man.

I'm so hip I even

call my girlfriend man.

I'm your fiance!

It's from a Dave Frishberg tune.

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