No Way Jose

Synopsis: JOSE STERN -- formerly Joseph Stern, until he discovered he was 1/8th Mexican -- is on the precipice of turning 40. Going on 75. He and his band, The Borges, have been relegated to playing childrens' birthday parties. He was always a little miserable. Now he's very miserable. Thankfully, he has in essence the perfect woman to balance him. DUSTY, his fiance, is a warm, beautiful, laid back, supportive, veterinarian. She is the Yin to his Yang. That is, until she discovers a old secret of Jose and kicks him out and into the warm bosom of his falling-apart-at-the-seams-married-with-children friends' home , where he spends the rest of film seeking counsel from his burnt out friends, dates an insane ex-girlfriend, and sorts through his past, all in an effort to find himself... and perhaps Dusty.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Adam Goldberg
Production: Sony Pictures Entertainment
97 min

I'm a little boy,

I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy

I'm a little boy blue

I'm a little boy,

I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy

I'm a little boy blue

Are you a little girl,

you a little girl You a little girl

You a little girl true?

I am so lethal

green little... springs

I can't pass

Kind of lonely

and filled with our...

Are you a little girl,

you a little girl You a little girl

You a little girl true?

'Cause I'm a little boy,

I'm a little boy I'm a little boy

I'm a little boy true

Come on!

I'm a little boy blue


Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks, man.

You've been

a wonderful crowd.

Well, we're, Jose

and, the Borges!

Thank you.


Happy birthday,


Over here, pal.

Okay, they don't care.

All right.


No, I'm good.

You should probably put those in a cup

or something, you know?

'Cause I don't know

what the protocol is exactly.

The cake's better

than at the Tiffany, f***ers.

Hey! Good job!

Violet, don't take Emerson's cake,

honey. Apologize.

Hey, man, you sounded good.

Okay. Okay.

It's okay. It's all right.

Is that a new one

or is that the same one or...

No, it's a new one.


You guys sounded so great.

Didn't they?

Really, yes.

Don't you miss it, buddy?

Well, I do.

Really? You want to play

for little...

Well, it's similar

to playing to drunks.

I guess that's true.

My God, how are you guys?

I feel like it's been forever

since we've seen you.

Well, we finally

settled on a honeymoon.


My God! Where?

Well, it was between

kidnapping and hijacking.

I chose kidnapping.


You can't drive to Hawaii,


So now we just have to figure out

what we're doing for his 40th.

No, I think we discussed that.

I'm going to blow my head

off right after cake.

So you're doing

that this year.

You're not gonna

go to Santa Barbara?

No, I was gonna blow

my head off in Santa Barbara.

So, yes, but I thought this year

we should do a party,

too, right?

Yes, you should!

You gotta have a party.

Come on. Listen.

Wait a minute. Isn't your birthday like,

the day before Violet's?

The day after, yes.

You guys, we should

totally do a joint party.



Like a cradle

to the grave theme.

Yes, exactly!

No, it would be so cute.


Besides, you don't have that many friends,

right, Jose?

That's right, Kate,

I don't have that many friends.

My God,

and you guys should play.

Ever since I started

repping Lil' Vegan,

I know all these

music industry people.

That would be so great.

All right,

let me think about this.

Can Gabe play with us?


Why not?

It's just one gig, right?


Honey, you feeling all right?

Yes, I'm all right.

All right.

Well, then, it's settled.

Yeah, you got your party.

I did.

Hey, what do you say

we go get some...

You guys want to get

some real lunch or...

You know what, we would,

but we got to go to another party,

a friend of Fred's.

- Fred is... Fred has friends?

- He's so adorable.

I don't know.

- I don't know, man.

- This goes first, this goes first.

I think this is a sign of things to come,

and it's not looking good.

Yeah, Dusty's

pulling some Yoko sh*t.


Did that thing work?

I don't know.

My neck kind of feels better,

but now my f***ing

armpits are killing me.


God, this is a disaster.

What, you guys sounded great.

Honey, I just sang a song

about my mother leaving me

with my suicidal father

for two years

while she banged her way

through Kathmandu

to a bunch of four-year-olds who think

it's about a tiny little sheep herder.

I want to smoke.

No, you don't.

You're doing so good.

Six hundred more gigs like this,

I can finally get you a ring.

Honey, just get me a Cracker Jack ring.

I told you, I don't care.

I do.

Well, you know what,

maybe if you guys

didn't sing

the old Borges stuff...

No, no, no, no, no.

...and you wrote some new

stuff for the kids...

No. No. No... it wouldn't

feel like such a violation.

No. No.

I just can't write songs about

sissy and Bamm-Bamms and binkies.

I just can't do it.

It's fortuitous enough that my

songs are about stunted adults.

Excuse me, sir.

What is it, little man?

You're good at playing.

Thanks for coming to my big boy party.

You're very welcome and I hope

you have a very good big boy year.

Okay, bye.


Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm good.

Let's go.

In Mexico today,

six severed heads

were reunited with their bodies

when officials

discovered the heads

over 30 miles from where

their bodies were recovered

nearly two years ago.

Another gruesome chapter

in the seemingly

infinite Mexican...

You know,

it's not too late to change our minds.

Yeah, actually it is.

- I bought it with coupons.

- Coupons?

It's barely Mexico, it's Baja.

It's like we're driving

to San Diego.

It's gonna be fine.

So steep.

It's good exercise.

I miss the old apartment, honey.

You hated the old apartment.

Is that right?



Good for the gluts.

Hey, that was really

nice of Kate to offer

to host your party

and have the band play?

That was really nice, yeah.

They seem beat though?

I mean, like, more than usual.

I didn't notice.

Really? Honey,

Gabe is aging in dog years.

I thought he looked great.

See now,

how can I trust you to assess my own decay?

You think everybody looks great.

I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.


I'm kidding.

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Adam Goldberg

Adam Charles Goldberg (born October 25, 1970) is an American actor, director, producer, and musician. Known for his supporting roles in film and television, Goldberg has appeared in films such as Dazed and Confused, Saving Private Ryan, A Beautiful Mind, and Zodiac. His TV appearances include the shows Friends as Eddie Menuek, Chandler's roommate, Joey, Entourage, The Jim Gaffigan Show, The Unusuals, and his critically acclaimed role as hitman Mr. Numbers in the first season of Fargo. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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