Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #5

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OKAY, NO, NO, NO.

I FEEL TRAPPED, BECAUSE

I DO HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM,

SO I HAVE TO INTERAC WITH YOU.

I FIND YOU REPULSIVE.

- THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU. HA HA.

[loud sniffing]

- OH, MY GOD.

both:
OHH!

HELLOOO.

- WE'RE JUST DOING

A LITTLE KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.

- SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO DO

A LITTLE KISS OF COCAINE?

- HEY, LET ME ASK YOU

ANOTHER QUESTION.

ARE YOU:

ONE OF THOSE PROSTITUTES

WE HEARD ABOUT ON 20/20?

- A WHAT?

- AND "B," IF SO,

DO YOU ACCEPT DISCOVER CARD?

- AND "C," DO YOU ACCEP EXPIRED DINERS CLUB CARD?

- OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN HERE.

THIS IS:

THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.

- 'CAUSE WE CLOGGED

THE MEN'S TOILE WITH HUMMUS [bleep]S.

- IT LOOKS

LIKE JONESTOWN IN THERE.

- SWEETHEART, COME BACK.

WE WANTED TO TELL YOU SECRETS

WITH OUR GENITALIA.

- MINE LOOKS LIKE

A BUNCH OF GRAY FLAPS.

[toilet flushes]

- I LOVE COMEDY

MORE THAN ANYTHING,

AND I'M LUCKY

THAT I GET TO DO IT,

BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT CAPABLE

OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

LIKE, I--I REMEMBER

I USED TO GO ON JOB INTERVIEWS,

AND I WOULD GET SO PANICKY,

AND THEY'D THROW

SO MANY CURVEBALLS AT YOU.

LIKE I REMEMBER THIS ONE

INTERVIEW, THE GUY WAS LIKE,

"SO, NICK, WHAT'S

YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"

AND I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED

BY TIM GUNN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY.

I JUST PANICKED.

I WAS JUST LIKE,

"UMMM!

I GUESS MY GREATEST WEAKNESS

IS THAT I HAVE NO STRENGTHS."

[panting, sighs]

BUT I DO BELIEVE

YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS,

AND, UH, THAT'S WHY

I ACTUALLY KEEP:

A DREAMCATCHER ABOVE MY BED.

BUT THEN, LIKE,

JUST TO BE FAIR,

I KEEP A PICTURE OF MY DAD

NEXT TO IT,

SO THAT I CAN HAVE

A DREAMCRUSHER THERE AS WELL.

DOING COMEDY, I, UH...

I TRAVEL A LOT.

I'M IN AIRPORTS

CONSTANTLY.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND

GOING TO THE AIRPOR IS I'VE SEEN, LIKE,

A CRAZY GROWTH:

IN THE AMOUNT OF SHOPPING

THAT HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS,

OR THE AMOUNT OF STORES

THAT ARE IN AIRPORTS.

LIKE, WHO'S MAKING

BIG-TICKET PURCHASES

AT THE AIRPORTS?

LIKE, WHO SPECIFICALLY

IS BUYING A SUITCASE

AT THE AIRPORT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLING

A CRAP-TON OF THEM THERE.

LIKE, WHO'S ROLLING UP

TO THE AIRPORT LIKE,

"WHAT DID I FORGET?

"UH, DROPPED A SOCK.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

"GOT MY CELL PHONE CHARGER.

"WHAT DID--OH, DROPPED

THAT SAME SOCK AGAIN.

"ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

A SUITCASE!"

[panting]

BUT ALL OF THA I CAN UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

IF YOU GO TO THE MAGAZINE SHOP

AT THE AIRPORT,

YOUR HUDSON NEWS,

WHO IS BUYING PORNO MAGAZINES

AT THE AIRPORT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE

SELLING THEM THERE

IN A SECTION CALLED

"MEN'S INTERESTS."

WHO'S ROLLING UP

AND IT'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT,

LET'S SEE, UM..."

[pops lips]

"LET ME GE A BAG OF TRAIL MIX

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