Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #4

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DOES NOT MEAN:

HE WASN'T HILARIOUS.

SO CAN WE ALL GET ONBOARD

WITH THIS?

WONDERFUL.

[cheers and applause]

SO I'M GONNA HAVE A KID,

AND THE KID'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"DADDY,

WHO WAS MICHAEL JACKSON?"

BE LIKE, "OH, HE WAS

THIS AMAZING MUSICIAN

AND DANCER AND SINGER."

"WELL, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"

"UH..."

"WELL, WHEN HE WAS

A LITTLE BOY,

"HE WAS THIS REALLY HANDSOME

LITTLE BLACK KID

WITH VERY KIND EYES

AND A VERY SWEET SMILE."

"WHAT ABOUT IN HIS TWENTIES?"

"IN HIS TWENTIES,

MICHAEL LOOKED KIND OF LIKE

THE JAZZY LIZARD KING."

"WHAT ABOU WHEN HE WAS OLDER?

YOU CAN GIVE ME:

VARIOUS EXAMPLES."

"THAT'S [bleep] COOL OF YOU.

IS IT WEIRD:

THAT I SWEAR IN FRONT OF YOU?"

"I ONLY SEE YOU,

LIKE, ONCE A MONTH."

"IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'S

A B*TCH."

"WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"

"ALL RIGHT, UM...

"HE LOOKED KIND OF LIKE A...

LIKE A SQUIRREL SKELETON

WITH FRIGHTENED EYES."

"DID HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"

"YEAH, HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS

WITH A MONKEY FOR A WHILE."

"THAT SEEMS

LIKE A RED FLAG."

"I KNOW,

WE DIDN'T SEE IT.

"I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO TELL YOU.

"WE DIDN'T SEE IT.

"HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS

WITH MAGIC JOHNSON.

HE PUT HIM:

IN A MUSIC VIDEO."

"WHO WAS MAGIC JOHNSON?"

"HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER."

"WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

THAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT HIM?"

"UH...

"WELL, MAGIC WAS HIV-POSITIVE,

"BUT HE FOUND A COCKTAIL

OF DRUGS THAT WORKED FOR HIM,

"HE LIVED

FOR A LONG, LONG TIME,

AND, EVENTUALLY,

HE DIED OF OLD AIDS."

"DID MICHAEL HAVE A FAMILY?"

"YEP. YES, HE DID.

"UH, HE HAD

A BUNCH OF BROTHERS,

AND THEY ALL LOOKED

LIKE SHINY CARL LEWIS."

"WHAT DID HIS DADDY

LOOK LIKE?"

"HIS DAD...

"WHO I LEARNED MOS OF MY PARENTING SKILLS FROM,

"LOOKED KIND OF LIKE

IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN

[bleep]ED THE DEVIL."

- OH, HELLO.

DO YOU DIG ME?

- OH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS

THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.

- OH, YOU'RE VERY MUCH

IN THE CORRECT PLACE.

THIS IS THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM.

I'M THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM

ATTENDANT.

MY NAME IS:

BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

- OH. YOU'RE THAT SECURITY GUARD

FROM THE STAGE.

- I'M LIKE

A JACK OF ALL CARDS, THOUGH.

I DO, LIKE,

BATHROOM ATTENDANCE AS WELL.

- OKAY, WELL, UM,

I HAVE A HEADACHE,

AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU GUYS

HAD SOME ASPIRIN.

- OH, OKAY. I CAN GET RID

OF YOUR HEADACHE.

- I REALLY JUST NEED

AN ASPIRIN.

- OH, YEAH, I MEAN,

I GOT, LIKE, SELF-TANNER.

- NO, THAT IS WRONG

ON SO MANY LEVELS.

- OH, I HAVE A SOLUTION.

COLOGNE?

- NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA

HELP ME WITH MY HEADACHE.

- OKAY, WHAT ABOUT STEROIDS

FOR YOUR HEADACHE?

- OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT?

- NO.

NO! PUT THAT--

I AM NOT.

NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

- OH, OKAY.

THIS IS FOR FRESH BREATH

FOR KISSES.

- CLOSER, BUT I DON'T--

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