Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool

---

- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.

- HA HA!

KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!

- I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?

- HELLOOO.

- I REALLY AM SO EXCITED

TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

- WE GOT TWO MINUTES

TILL SHOW, OKAY?

TWO MINUTES.

- HEY, WHOSE CAT IS THIS?

- MINE. HE WAS LONELY,

SO I BROUGHT HIM.

- OKAY, WELL,

I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.

- YOU'RE SUPER LOW

ON CRU D'ETE.

IS THERE SOMEONE

WE COULD TALK TO?

- I KNOW. I'M JUST TRYING

TO GET THE SET READY FOR...

- I'M HUNGRY.

- OKAY, I'LL GET IT.

OH, I THINK THEY NEED

MORE CRU D'ETE

IN THE GREEN ROOM.

THANKS, MAN.

- CRU D'ETE?

EXCUSE ME!

I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?

LOOK AT WHA I HAVE CREATED.

WHO TOOK THE STRING CHEESE

OUT OF THE BOWL, OKAY?

THIS IS:

FOR DECORATION PURPOSES!

NO! NO!

ABSOLUTELY NO!

HELLO, CREW? YES.

THERE HAS BEEN:

A STRING CHEESE INCIDENT,

AND I IS UNACCEPTABLE, OKAY?

DO NOT TOUCH MY CRAFT SERVICES

TABLE, ALL RIGHT?

IT IS MY ART.

IT IS MY CANVAS.

WOULD YOU GO UP:

TO A VAN GOGH PAINTING

AND SMEAR [bleep]

DIARRHEA ON IT?

NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

[walkie-talkie crackling]

SECURITY! HELLO?

- TSK.

OH, DEMANDS OF THE JOB.

LIKE, I'M SECURITY.

[cash register rings]

IS IT ALL RIGH IF I WAND YOU RIGHT NOW?

- SURE, YEAH.

[wand beeping and whistling]

[rhythmic beeping]

- WE COULD MAKE

BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER.

- I'M SORRY?

- OKAY, NO, BUT I HEARD

SOMETHING,

SO NOW I HAVE:

TO SEARCH YOU:

BECAUSE OF, LIKE,

THE WAR ON TERROR.

LIKE, REST IN PEACE!

- ALL RIGHT,

I THINK I'M ALL SAFE.

- OH, OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE ONLY THING DANGEROUS

ABOUT YOU:

IS THAT I COULD:

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

- HEY, TAKE CARE.

- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.

OKAY, BABE. NEXT.

NO, BRO, GET OUT OF HERE.

- UGH. I HAVEN'T BEEN

ON A LINE THIS LONG

SINCE THEY WERE GIVING OU FREE DIAPHRAGMS

AT THAT HIGH SCHOOL.

[jazz riff]

- I HEARD THIS IS FOR ONE

OF THOSE COMIC RELIEF SHOWS.

- OOH, I LOVE COMIC RELIEF.

- YEAH, SURE.

- WHOOP GOLDBERG.

- BILL CRYSTAL.

- YOU KNOW WHO

THE HOTTEST YOUNG COMIC

ON THE MARKET IS TODAY?

- WHO'S THAT?

- PAUL REISER.

- OH, FROM MAD 'BOUT YOU.

- HE'S FUNNY.

- HE IS.

- HE'S...

both:
NATURALLY FUNNY.

- [Spanish accent]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT.

THE SHOW:

WILL BEGIN SHORTLY.

KOO KOO RIKOO!

KOO KOO RIKOO!

AND NOW, IT IS MY PLEASURE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

DAMAS AND CABALLEROS,

DIRECT ON THIS STAGE,

SECURITY GUARD:

ROBERT BRUSCHA.

- NOT YET?

[cheers and applause]

AH HA HA HA HA HA.

HELLO.

MY NAME IS ROBERT BRUSCHA,

AKA BOBBY B,

AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, VERY COOL.

VERY COOL.

OKAY, I'M

THE SECURITY GUARD HERE TODAY,

AND I WANT TO SAY TO YOU

FIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY,

SAFETY FIRST.

BUT ALSO...

BE DANGEROUS.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, SO I'M HERE TO GO OVER

SOME DOS AND DON'T DO ITS,

AS FAR AS THE RULES

AND REGULATIONS GO

HERE AT THE SHOW, OKAY?

SO, FIRST, NO CELL PHONES,

UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, AN IMPORTAN CALL FROM ONE OF YOUR BOYS.

LIKE, IN MY CASE, THAT WOULD BE,

LIKE, JIMMY Z

OR DANNY DO,

'CAUSE, LIKE,

HE ALWAYS DOES.

NO DRINKING:

TO "ASSESS," OKAY?

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, OKAY?

LIKE, I WAS ONCE

AND ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS,

I'VE BEEN A V.I.P. GUES AT A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT UFC

TAILGATING EVENTS,

AND ON ONE SUCH OCCASIONS...

I CHALLENGED A SMALL GIRL

TO A PUSH-UP COMPETITION.

BUT I HAD JUST SIMULTANEOUSLY

AND MOMENTS BEFORE

EATEN A NUMBER OF VODKA-INFUSED

KOBE BEEF SLIDERS.

AT WHICH POINT, I FELL

INTO A STATE OF DEHYDRATION,

BECAUSE TO DRINK WATER

IS TO SHOW WEAKNESS.

BUT I DIGEST.

A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS

TO THINK ABOUT.

IF THERE'S, LIKE, A FIRE,

PUT IT OUT.

ALSO, IF THERE'S,

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