Mystery, Alaska Page #4

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'Cause if all that's gonna happen

is we'll get laughed at,

I'm not for it

at any price.

That's fair. That's fair.

And to answer that,

I'd like to call up here

someone we all know and...

Well, we all know.

Charles Danner.

Thanks. Um... Well, first of all,

it's really great to be back.

Bullshit!

Uh... Um, here's the thing.

On a standard ice rink,

no, we don't come close.

But... our boys on a pond?

Now, hold on

just one second.

You're using words

like "we" and "our boys. "

You left this town,

Charlie Danner.

You can't even skate.

Plus, this may be

an old lady talking,

but I've always thought

you were a bit of a prick.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is a town meeting.

Let's have some order,

for God's sakes! John.

Could we make a game of it?

Yeah, John.

Depends on rules.

We play four on four.

They play five on five.

Boards, offsides,

two-line passing.

Rules that keep everything bunched.

It's a different kind of game.

John, excuse me, but this game

is gonna be played on a pond.

- Hey, Chuck...

- One second.

Everybody here always says on a pond,

nobody beats us, right? Nobody.

Okay, well, you got a chance

to prove it now.

John, can we win?

Shooting, passing, stick handling...

The truth?

Except for Connor,

nobody here comes close.

Except for Connor,

nobody here comes close.

But on the pond,

black ice, wide open surface,

it's all about skating.

And we can skate.

Yeah, we can.

All right, man.

The New York Rangers

are professionals.

Two things we've always had

in Mystery:

Our dignity

and our illusions.

I suggest we cling to both.

Where's the dignity

in not trying?

I'll play those Rangers.

- I'm in.

- I'll play.

I'll beat 'em.

As mayor of Mystery, Alaska,

I'm gonna extend a little invitation

to the New York Rangers!

Hey, Johnny!

- This can't wait till tomorrow?

- No, no, we gotta be on the ice at sunup.

If this game happens,

it's only 32 days away.

We gotta get goin'.

- I bet you're back on the team now, right?

- Maybe.

Well, they're not gonna play the Rangers

with just ten guys.

Here he comes.

- John. Hey, Donna.

- Hey, Scott.

- Witch-tit cold, huh?

- Yeah.

Look, John,

these are the developments.

Things have changed.

We want you to coach.

Judge turn you down?

Yeah.

He's got some bug up his colon.

But next toJudge F*** Nut,

you know most about hockey.

Scott, you'll need him

to play, right?

Oh, uh...

Well, the committee feels you can best

help the team by, you know, coaching.

You're the guy.

They all look up to you.

Scott, I don't coach.

John, I'm asking you

as mayor of the town.

Will you coach?

Look, think about it.

Let me know, huh?

You know,

every ex-player turned coach says

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