Monkey Business Page #4

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Just stay here and keep out of sight

like I told you.

No you don't.

Now, listen to me, Mr. Alky Briggs.

You can't keep me cooped up like this.

I've played second fiddle

on this ship long enough.

Now you listen. I'm not after any dames.

I'm after Joe Helton, I tell you, and

he can't get away from me on this boat.

He's got to put his okay on my gang,

or he's gonna get this.

Hey, who are you?

I'm the tailor.

That reminds me. Where are my pants?

You've got them on.

Pardon me while I step into the closet.

And get a load of this,

if you come in again at 3:00 a. m...

- Stop bothering me. Tell it to the tailor.

- Alky!

Alky!

LUCILLE:
What are you doing in there?

Nothing. Come on in.

LUCILLE:
You can't stay in that closet.

GROUCHO:
I can't, can I?

That's what they said

to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor...

Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier,

and Thomas Shefsky, mighty like a rose.

Just remember that if there weren't

any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks...

and if there weren't any hooks, there'd be

no fish, and that would suit me fine.

LUCILLE:
Don't try to hide.

I know you're in that closet.

- Did you see me go in the closet?

- No.

- Am I in the closet now?

- No.

Then how do you know I was in the closet?

Your Honour, I rest my case.

Come here, brown eyes.

You're not gonna get me off this bed.

I didn't know you were a lawyer.

You're awfully shy for a lawyer.

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Then what do you think of an egg

that would give me...

You've been getting nothing

but dirty breaks.

We can clean and tighten your brakes...

but you'll have to stay

in the garage all night.

I want excitement. I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.

[Groucho playing upbeat music]

You don't realise it.

From the time he got the marriage license,

I've led a dog's life.

Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

Alky can't make a fool of me.

I want to go places. I want to do things.

I want freedom, I want liberty, I want justice!

[Groucho humming]

Madam, you're making history.

In fact, you're making me.

And I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

You know what I want.

I want life, I want laughter, I want gaiety.

I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.

[Groucho playing upbeat music]

Madam, before I get through with you,

you will have a clear case for divorce...

and so will my wife.

The first thing to do is

to arrange for a settlement.

You take the children,

your husband takes the house.

Junior burns the house,

you take the insurance and I take you.

LUCILLE:
But I haven't any children.

That's the trouble with this country.

You haven't any children.

And as for me, I'm going back in the closet

where men are empty overcoats.

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