Meet My Valentine Page #3

Youre in the majors,

and the rest of us

are just playing

intramural field hockey.

( feet tapping )

When you say things like that,

I could just kiss you.

Oh, well, at least wait

till I get to the bar

so I can get some

free drinks out of it.

- Oh.

- ( chuckles )

Emcee:

But, um, this guy

is nowhere near

as funny as the last dude,

but, hey, hes here,

so everybody give a--

a small clap for...

Mac Brown.

( applause )

Uh, its a pleasure

to be here.

You almost

missed Mac.

The first thing I noticed

as I look around the room

is we have ladies here.

I just like to take

a moment up front and

apologize to the ladies.

Ladies, Im sorry

Im not better-looking.

I wish I was

a really good-looking guy.

I would take my shirt off,

-dance around.

Youd all be very excited.

- ( applause )

I had a conversation

with this girl once.

Cause I found out

when she was in college,

she spent a semester

in Ireland.

I said to this girl,

"When you were in Ireland,

were you with

a lot of guys?"

And her answer was,

"Dont worry about it."

And that is not

a very good answer.

That is not

what you want to hear.

Because women have

a particular kind of math

when it comes

to hooking up, right?

If she says "two,"

it probably means five.

If she says "five,"

it probably means 10.

And if she says

"Dont worry about it,"

it means theyre singing

folk songs about her.

- ( laughter )

-In Ireland, as we speak--

There is a statue

of her in Dublin

the boys touch for good luck

when they turn 13.

( cheering )

Anyway...

I try to date, you know.

I date a lot.

Okay, not a lot,

but I try to...

( scanner humming )

Doctor:

Four to six months,

you can expect

the first signs to show,

usually, uh, tremors

in the hands and feet,

then a relatively

quick decline

in motor skills,

followed by agnosia,

or the loss of ability

to recognize people,

places, words, et cetera.

Now, the usual

course of action

would be to operate,

but, um...

the particular placement

being what it is,

Im afraid surgery

is not an option,

Mr. Bishop.

How much time?

Its hard to predict

with tumors.

How much time?

Nine months,

a year at most.

Ahem.

Well, then Ill have

my nurse schedule

your first round

of chemotherapy

for tomorrow.

Tomorrow...

tomorrow?

We need to begin

as soon as possible.

In the meantime,

Id like to talk

about your diet.

Uh, not insofar

as how itll affect

your prognosis,

but rather how itll

help you tolerate

the chemotherapy.

( knock on door )

Since when

do you knock?

Tom...

What are you

doing, Mac?

All right, I knew

this wasnt for me.

"Passages

of the Heart."

Guy at the bookstore

said it is the best

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