Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #4

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I FIRST REALIZED THIS --

SHE HAD THIS BlackBerry,

AND THE ALARM WOULD GO OFF

EVERY MORNING AT 5:00 A.M.

AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO GET UP.

IT JUST KEPT GOING OFF.

AND I WAS LIKE, "BABE, CAN YOU

TURN OFF THE ALARM, PLEASE?"

AND SHE GOES,

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO."

I GO, "OKAY, CAN YOU

TURN OFF THE PHONE, THEN?"

SHE GOES,

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO

TURN OFF THE PHONE?

EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW TO

TURN OFF THE PHONE.

YOU JUST PRESS THE RED BUTTON.

PRESS THE RED THING.

PRESS THE RED THING."

SO SHE WAS LIKE THIS.

I WAS LIKE, "NOT YOUR BINDI."

ACTUALLY, MY WIFE AND I -- WE'RE

ACTUALLY FAR AWAY FROM DIVORCE.

WE ACTUALLY JUST HAD A BABY BOY

FIVE MONTHS AGO.

BABY BOY.

-THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I ALWAYS FEEL WEIRD

WHEN PEOPLE CLAP FOR THAT,

BECAUSE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON

TO HAVE EVER ACHIEVED THIS.

I FEEL WHEN PEOPLE CLAP,

THEY'RE LIKE,

"WOW, MAZ! HOW'D YOU DO IT?

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'D YOU DO?"

"YOU KNOW, I PUT MY PENIS

IN HER VAGINA,

AND A LITTLE BABY CAME OUT."

I KNOW SOME OF THE PERSIANS

ARE LIKE, "WHOA!

HE SAID 'PENIS'!

I HAVE TO SEND:

AN E-MAIL TONIGHT."

"MAZ JOBRANI SAYS 'PENIS'!"

OKAY, FINE.

HOW ABOUT I SAY I PU MY BOOT-BOOT IN HER REBOO AND A LITTLE HAR DA DAR DA DA

CAME OUT?

IS THAT GOOD?

IS THAT CLEANER:

FOR THE PERSIANS?

BUT IT'S COOL, MAN.

WE HAVE AN IRANIAN-INDIAN KID

IN AMERICA.

HOW COOL IS THAT? RIGHT? YEAH.

KID'S GONNA GET HIS ASS KICKED.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

THE KEY IS YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM

A GOOD NAME:

SO THAT HE DOESN' GET INTO TROUBLE IN AMERICA.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

WE GAVE HIM A GOOD NAME.

WE NAMED HIM:

MUJIBUR MOHAMMED ABDULLAH RAHEEM

OSAMA BIN LADEN JOBRANI.

'CAUSE I NEED THE MATERIAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BE LIKE, "SON, HOW WAS

YOUR DAY AT SCHOOL?

YOU WERE DEPORTED? FANTASTIC!

CAN WORK THAT INTO MY ACT."

NO, MAN.

MM.

I'M JUST GONNA LET THE KID KNOW

THAT HE'S ITALIAN

TILL HE'S OLD ENOUGH

TO HANDLE IT.

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW IRANIANS

AND MIDDLE EASTERNERS

HAVE DEALT WITH:

OUR MIDDLE EASTERNNESS

FOR THE PAST 40 YEARS

IN AMERICA --

BY PRETENDING TO BE ITALIAN.

LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE

IN COLLEGE.

HIS NAME WAS SHAROC-C-C-H!

AND HE CHANGED IT TO TONY.

I WAS LIKE, "HOW DID YOU GO FROM

SHAROC-C-C-H TO TONY?"

I MEAN, SHAROCH TO SEAN,

SHAROCH TO SHANE,

SHAROCH TO SHAMU --

THAT'S FINE.

BUT SHAROCH TO TONY?

AND WHAT'S FUNNY IS

HE WOULD GO BACK AND FORTH,

DEPENDING ON:

IF THERE WAS WOMEN INVOLVED.

IF HE WAS TRYING TO

PICK UP WOMEN, HE'D BE ITALIAN.

IF IT WAS JUST US HANGING OUT,

HE COULD BE IRANIAN.

AND, LIKE, I WOULDN'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON.

I SHOWED UP:

AT THE CAF ONE TIME,

"HEY, SHAROCH, HOW'S IT GOING?

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