Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly Page #5

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HOW'S IT GOING?"

"Shh! TONY, TONY, TONY."

"THERE ARE GIRLS. TONY, TONY.

TONY.

TONY."

AND WHAT'S FUNNY IS

HE DIDN'T SPEAK ANY ITALIAN,

BUT WHAT HE WOULD DO, HE'D SPEAK

FARSI WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT.

[ SPEAKING FARSI

WITH ITALIAN ACCENT ]

[ SPEAKING FARSI

WITH ITALIAN ACCENT ]

AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE,

"WOW, THERE'S 'CHs' IN ITALIAN?

THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING.

WHY DOES HE KEEP

GRABBING HIS CROTCH?"

OH, MAN.

NO, MAN,

IT'S -- IT'S GREAT, THOUGH.

IT'S GREAT TO HAVE THIS KID.

IT'S GREAT TO HAVE THIS KID.

MY KID IS A ROCK STAR.

HE'S 5 MONTHS OLD.

HE'S A ROCK STAR, REALLY.

HE WAKES UP:

AT 2:
00 IN THE MORNING,

HE HITS THE BOTTLE HARD,

HE DRINKS TILL HE PUKES.

HE STARTS SCREAMING, "OWW!"

AND HE GOES,

"ROCK 'N' ROLL, MOTHERF***ER!"

IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S REALLY STRANGE.

AND HE GOES, "DADDY,

LET'S GO BANG SOME B*TCHES!"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW, SON.

I DON'T THINK YOUR MOM

WOULD LIKE THAT."

THE PROBLEM WITH THESE BABIES --

AND WHO HAS BABIES HERE,

BY APPLAUSE?

WHO'S GOT BABIES?

-WHOO!

YEAH, YOU'LL VOUCH FOR THIS.

THE PROBLEM:

WITH THESE LITTLE GUYS

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

'CAUSE I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE.

HE WAS CRYING.

HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU HUNGRY?"

HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"

I GO, "YOU'RE TIRED?"

"AAH!"

"YOU GOT TO PEE?"

"AAH!"

I GO, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME."

HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"

IT'S LIKE,

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

BUT WE GOT HIM A NANNY.

WE GOT HIM A NANNY.

SO HE'S LEARNING SPANISH.

HE'S LEARNING SPANISH.

WHICH IS COOL,

IT'S COOL, ACTUALLY,

'CAUSE I WANTED HIS FIRST WORD

TO BE "DADDY."

I WANT IT TO BE "DADDY,"

BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE

"PADRE," WHICH IS FINE.

AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T PICK UP

HER ACCENT.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE,

"HEY, PADRE,

LET'S GO TO THE PARK AND PLAY!"

OH, BOY.

"HEY, PADRE -- GO, RAIDERS!"

OH, MAN.

MY SON'S A GANGBANGER.

ACTUALLY, MY WIFE AND I,

WE GOT MARRIED IN MEXICO.

MEXICO'S BEAUTIFUL.

WE GOT MARRIED IN A PLACE

CALLED ZIHUATANEJO, MEXICO.

BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

-YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU WERE THERE.

MY FRIENDS WERE THERE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BEAUTIFUL PLACE. BEAUTIFUL --

ONE THING I'D FORGOTTEN

WAS MEXICANS FROM MEXICO

CAN'T PRONOUNCE MY NAME.

WEIRDEST THING IN THE WORLD.

'CAUSE MY NAME IS "MAZ,"

LIKE THE WORD "MS,"

WHICH MEANS "MORE" IN SPANISH.

FOR SOME REASON, MEXICANS FROM

MEXICO CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT.

AND THE FIRST TIME

I EVER REALIZED THIS,

IT WAS ABOU LIKE 10 YEARS AGO OR SO,

TRYING TO MAKE:

LUNCH RESERVATIONS

AT A MEXICAN RESTAURAN IN LOS ANGELES.

CALLED UP THE RESTAURANT.

I GO,

"HI, I NEED LUNCH FOR MAZ,"

AND THE GUY GOES, "MAX?"

I GO, "NO -- MAZ."

HE GOES, "MAC?"

I GO, "M-A-Z, MAZ."

HE GOES, "MAC!"

I WAS LIKE,

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