Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #4

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get back to the river with my friends.

Did you just bring an old salad to bed?

[chatters]

[softly] It's nighttime, I'm awake!

Um, uh...

We do not know what we're doing,

uh, so we go see a therapist,

and we don't know if it's helping,

but we have written a song about her.

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

You go to Cheryl Hirsham

'Cause she reflects back what

your partner's trying to say to you

And it normalizes conflict

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham

Scott freaked out

'cause I locked him in the garage

by accident for two hours,

and he's like,

"Oh, my God, I'm with somebody

who didn't even notice I'm not there!"

And he told Cheryl Hirsham,

and she kind of giggled,

and then he felt

irritated and felt unsafe.

And then we all laughed.

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

I freaked out

'cause Scott peed in the backyard,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God,

are we going Grey Gardens here,

gonna start collecting

wet newspaper and cat food?"

And I told Cheryl Hirsham,

and she said,

"Sometimes my son pees in the backyard,

and it helps scare away the deer."

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

She has long silver hair

That you can tell she sets in hot rollers

'cause she f***ing cares about herself!

And she has this Thomas Kinkade painting,

I don't know if you've seen it,

it's Christian painter,

painter of light, a lot of...

Anyways, uh, don't judge her for it.

And then she has

this magazine in her lobby

called Bi-Polar Magazine.

Nineteen copies of the same issue.

I said, "Hey, can I have one of those?"

And she said, "No."

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

[deep voice] Every time

we go to see Cheryl Hirsham,

we can't remember the code to get in.

Is it 4-0-0-2?

Wait, is it 2-0-0-4?

I thought you wrote it down!

You put it in your phone!

I didn't bring my phone

because I thought we're supposed

to be more mindful of our time together

and be off social media!

It's your fault!

No, it's your fault!

Wait, wait.

It's our fault.

We did all this together.

We're a team!

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

It is so hard to love people nowadays.

Uh...

There is too much to keep track of.

"Oh, you didn't like my Facebook event."

I'm f***ing here!

You want me to Hellen Keller

a thumbs up into your palm?

[audience laughs]

And, uh,

I love my father.

I was painting him a ceramic

dog bank at Color Me Mine,

and of course I wanted

to create something meaningful

that would last forever.

[laughing]

The plan was garishly splatter

an already extremely

unattractive ceramic dog bank

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