Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #5

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to get the following reaction:

Joel, do we have to keep

this thing from Maria

in the center of the living room?

Marilyn!

It's a gift from our youngest daughter,

and it deserves a place of honor.

Oh, I just can't stand it.

I can't stand it.

Marilyn!

I'm putting it in the basement.

Marilyn, I get to have one goddamn

thing in this house that's mine!

Are you keeping money in here?

It's my money, Marilyn.

That's a savory piece of gristle

those two kids can tug back and forth

over the course of their golden years.

[laughs]

But you know how it is.

You are creating something,

you start out strong,

but then you're working on a Spicy V8

and you start to lose focus.

And, uh,

I ended up barely

covering the dog in one color,

brown,

and shoving it into the kiln.

I left sick with anger at myself.

I said, "Is that all I have for my father?

An unobtrusive tchotchke?"

Maria!

[snorting]

She hates it.

It worked out exactly as you planned!

[audience laughs]

Yeah, and I bought a China cat

to sit opposite of it

so there's a real nice tension.

And he's not putting money in there,

'cause he says he can't trust me.

But when she's looking,

I put my lips to its slot

and I whisper my wishes.

I got secrets, Marilyn.

Your mother's been opening

my mail for 45 years,

which is a federal offense.

I opened a birthday

card from your sister.

Are you hiding something?

I don't know, Marilyn.

You read it.

Am I?

You say that you love people.

I say that I love my nieces and nephews,

but is that what I say when once a year

I FedEx them a box of wigs?

Does that...

one act really make up for the fact

that I never make eye contact

and I am still not clear on their names?

[laughing]

Hey, Coltnol.

Oh, where are all the,

the taller shadows?

[audience laughs]

I have a dear friend

who I know still has a flip phone,

yet I continue to send

her emojis of eggplants,

basketballs, pieces of pizza,

knowing that all she sees are squares!

[laughing]

I need to find a way to show people

how much I love them

despite all my words and actions.

Here's what I've come up with.

What's more constant, loving,

and eternal than the Internet?

You make...

a three-second gif saying how you feel.

I care,

I care,

I care,

I care,

I care.

That way, you're covered.

That's like a flame that never goes out.

That's like that candle

outside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier,

like, yeah, we can't remember

who's all stacked up back here,

but we got this still going.

Whenever I walk past a cemetery,

I like to say,

"What happened?"

[audience laughing]

Wow.

That way, the next time

you let somebody down

like I'm letting you guys down right now,

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