Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #3

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in a Hampton Inn or better

up and down the I-35W corridor.

They were always drunk,

I was always stone-cold sober.

It was planned, it was cyclical.

Those are a few of

the signs of a predator.

Nobody's perfect.

Let's work this out!

[laughing]

So when my scrumptious beloved...

explained to me that at the age of 52

he is not, in fact, a virgin,

and I had always dreamed

of having a clean boy...

[audience laughs]

but he is a filthy little monkey.

And he was okay with me.

He said, "I know sometimes

women who are post-menopausal...

Um, well, anyways,

if you go to the psych ward,

they don't let you have sharp stuff.

And if-if you grew a beard,

I'd come in and I'd shave your beard."

[audience laughs]

That's about the most

romantic thing I ever did hear tell!

[laughing]

Merch!

Merch!

Anybody?

Hi.

Uh, you interested in some merch?

Uh, we take, uh, cash,

we take credit cards.

We, uh, take barter.

Um, that's a safe dating card.

It takes you through the stages of dating,

all the way through rape

and domestic violence.

You don't have any CDs or anything?

Uh, I do not sell any CDs

of my stand-up comedy.

I know... I bought this already,

because it's my own merch,

but wouldn't I be interested

in having a little more?

Hmm?

'Cause what if I gave this one away?

The signature, I'm hiding hat.

And then I would need another.

These are perfect for the athletic in you.

[man] Jesus Christ!

Um, this is an XXL.

You think, that would be too big on me,

but is it not just maybe perfect?

The perfect size.

If you want a conversation starter,

you know, and you say,

okay, I wanna wear a big short

that's gonna make people ask questions,

but then also acknowledge my limitations

as a personality,

so that, when you abruptly walk away,

look down,

they're not surprised.

"Oh, do you wanna be happy?"

"Yes."

"Do you wanna be a success?"

"Yes."

"Do you wanna buy merch?"

"Yes!"

I just tricked you there.

It's a pancake stress squeezer,

um, and then it reads, which is very true,

"Meds are more effective."

[audience laughs]

More merch available pencil.

I already want 100.

Wait a minute, I bought 100!

My husband has noticed, uh,

something about me.

I like to tear open packages of food,

take caps partially off beverages,

and then leave them out and around,

and he said very kindly, very sweetly,

"Why?"

[laughing]

I explained, because I am raccoon.

I need to get in there, okay,

get what's good,

be on my way.

Oh, but what if you get sick,

you know, because sometimes it can go bad?

You'll fall ill.

Were you not listening

when I just mentioned that I am raccoon?

I can digest ceiling tile.

I just need to fill this up,

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