Mallrats Page #4

his mom's vibrator into a CD player.

Motherf***er's like MacGyver.

Better than MacGyver.

- Knock it off!

- It's that kind of smarts we need, right?

Leave me out of this.

We need you to go on a little sabotage

mission on behalf of TS's love life.

You know about this game show

thing going on here?

We need you to somehow

ensure that it doesn't happen.

- Is that it? We were doing that anyway.

- Why?

What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob

stole a schematic of the stage...

..and found a weakness,

just like the Death Star.

He figures you pull this crossbeam out,

bickety-bam! The stage crashes down.

We were thinkin' about somethin' simple,

but if you prefer that, we're all for it.

- 0nly problem is LaFours.

- Who's LaFours?

You don't know who LaFours is?

He's the most feared security guard in

the business. 460 collars, all convicted.

- I hear he's even got two kills.

- Holy sh*t.

I never thought I'd see two such highly

reputable mischief-makers as yourselves...

..douse their drawers at the sight

of a mall security guard.

Sh*t, b*tch. We're gonna

bust up that stage.

We're gonna outwit LaFours X-Men-style.

- Should I call you Logan, Weapon X?

- No, Wolverine. Snicky snicky snoine!

He's imitating Wolverine's berserker

attack with his adamantium claws.

- I never would have guessed.

- All right. Go forth and wreak havoc.

Bye, baby kitties.

Damn, Silent Bob. Show some heart.

That's better. We're on the job.

Thanks.

I'm shocked

you didn't try to dissuade them.

Huh! I would if I thought

for a second they could pull it off.

Want a cookie?

What's he doing?

If you stare at this poster,

a hidden picture appears.

Can we do it? Please? Please?

All right, go ahead.

But hurry. The Easter Bunny's waiting.

Wow, it's a schooner!

You dumb bastard!

It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.

A schooner is a sailboat, stupid-head.

You know what?!

There is no Easter Bunny!

- But they're engaged.

- Doesn't matter. It can't happen.

- Why not? It's bound to come up.

- Lois could never have Superman's baby.

You think her Fallopian tubes

could handle the sperm?

I guarantee he blows a load

like a shotgun through her back.

Is her womb strong enough

to carry his child?

- Sure. Why not?

- He's an alien, for Christ's sake.

His Kryptonian biological make-up

is enhanced by Earth's sun.

If Lois gets a tan, the kid

could kick through her stomach.

enough uterus to carry his kid.

He could only bang regular chicks with a

kryptonite condom but that would kill him.

I've gone from Floridian sex with Brandi to

man-of-steel debates in the food court.

- Cookie stand is not in the food court.

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