Synopsis: Brodie Bruce, a Sega and comic book obsessed college student, and his best friend, TS Quint, are both dumped by their girlfriends on the same day, and to deal with their loss, they both go to the local mall. Along the way, they meet up with some friends, including Willam, a guy who stares at Magic Eye pictures, desprately trying to see the hidden image; Gwen, one of TS's ex-girlfriends; and Jay & Silent Bob, of Clerks fame. Eventually, they decide to try and win back their significant others, and take care of their respective nemesises (TS's girlfriend's father, and a store clerk who hates the two for not having any shopping agenda).
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Kevin Smith
Production: MCA Universal Home Video
Rotten Tomatoes:
94 min

One time, my cousin Walter got

this cat stuck in his ass. True story.

He bought it at our local mall,

so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.

It was embarrassing for my relatives

but, the next week, he did it again.

Different cat, same results,

with another trip to the emergency room.

I run into him a week later

and he's buying another cat.

I says to him 'Jesus, Walt,

what're you doing?''

''You're gonna get this cat stuck in your

ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?''

He said to me ''Brodie, how the hell else

am I supposed to get the gerbil out?''

My cousin was a weird guy.

Brandi Svenning, come on down.

I'm taking your ass to Florida.

Let's go. Where's your luggage?

Come on, the plane leaves in an hour.

- TS, did you see Julie Dwyer last night?

- Yeah, at the video store.

She was talking about being

on your dad's stupid game show.

- 0h, my God. He's not here, is he?

- Yeah, he's inside.

TS, did you tell her that every time

you're on TV, you look 10lb heavier?


Well, yeah. I told her that

the way that TV shows are shot...

..can make you look a lot

fatter than you really are.

What'd she do? Call up and cancel?

No. Not exactly.

TS, you know that Julie

had a huge weight problem in school.

She had the fattest ass.

And when you said that to her,

she went straight up to the YMCA...

..and just started doing laps because

she wanted to be fit for the show tonight.

And, well, in the middle

of her 700th lap,...

..this embolism popped in

her brain and she dropped dead.

Right in mid-backstroke.

She's fucking dead?

Then her sister told her parents

why she was doing all the laps...

..and it got back to my father and...

Shit, TS, he's really pissed at you.

I mean, it's awful

about Julie's death and... he doesn't even have

a female contestant for his show.

- Can't you calm him down?

- I've done that.

- Thank God. How?

- I told him I'd do the show.

Good. What?!

Wait a minute. No, no.

We're leaving for Florida.

- TS, I can't go. I've gotta stay here.

- No, no, no.

I've got something planned for Florida.

No, we gotta go.

I'm doing this to get you

out of trouble with my father,... him out of a bind which, you know,

you kind of are a little responsible for.

I bet he's happy that

you're not going away with me.

Are you kidding?

He's absolutely devastated about Julie.

I can't believe you.

Brandi, the guy hates me.

You know, I bet he sees this tragedy... an opportunity to keep

you from going away with me.

Would you calm down?

You're being a complete ass.

Sometimes I forget you're such

a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.

Well, you know what I think's sick?

This relationship.

We weren't gonna do this make-up,

break-up shit any more.

You can just forget about making up.

You are exactly like my father.

It's always about what you need,

what you've got planned.

''Screw everybody else.

My shit is more important.''

You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed

as he is. You have so much in common,...

..I think you should date each other.

Brandi! Brandi, wait!

Sweet fucking Christ,

would you knock it off?

- God!

- What?

- What time is it?

- 9.30.

Man, go back to sleep!

- What the hell are you doing?

- Finishing my game.

- You promised me breakfast.

- Breakfast-schmreckfast.

Look at the score. I'm only in the middle

of the second and I'm winning 12-2.

Breakfasts come and go, Rene.

Now, Hartford, the Whale,...

..they only beat Vancouver once,

maybe twice in a lifetime.

- You hit the bathroom already?

- Don't worry, your mother didn't see me.

Rate this script:(3.00 / 2 votes)

Kevin Smith

Kevin Patrick Smith (born August 2, 1970) is an American filmmaker, actor, comedian, public speaker, comic book writer, author, and podcaster. He came to prominence with the low-budget comedy Clerks (1994), which he wrote, directed, co-produced, and acted in as the character Silent Bob of stoner duo "Jay & Silent Bob". Jay and Silent Bob have appeared in Smith's follow-up films Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back which were mostly all set in his home state of New Jersey. While not strictly sequential, the films frequently featured crossover plot elements, character references, and a shared canon described by fans as the "View Askewniverse", named after his production company View Askew Productions, which he co-founded with Scott Mosier. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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