MacGruber Page #3

Call 911! Call 911!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

They were nice funerals.

Yeah. What did you

think of my eulogies?

Very touching.

I might have cut back

on the F-words a little.

Well, they were

f***ing great guys.

And this is a f***ing

a**hole of a day.

I know.

It's just that their kids were there.

They laughed.

Because of your use

of heavy language.

Well, f*** 'em.

I should have

been in that van.

But you weren't.

No, I wasn't.

And nobody's gonna regret

that more than Cunth.

MacGruber, about that.

Look, I'm taking you

off the case.

I'm sorry, I must

have heard wrong.

'Cause I thought

I just heard you say,

"MacGruber, about that.

"Look, I'm taking you

off the case."

That's exactly

what I said.

Damn it, Jim.

You can't do that. Okay?

I'm the best

chance you got.

You told me yourself

at the monastery.

But the game has changed!

But the players

are the same!

Mac, I got no choice.

Look, you've been through

a very traumatic experience.

You're too close.

And without a team

behind you,

I just can't chance it.

I'm sorry, Grubes.

Sir, I just...

Piper.

Where's the Colonel?

You gotta help me. They want

to kick me off the mission.

Well, under

the circumstances...

F*** you, d*ckhead!

All right.

Wait, wait, wait! I didn't

mean that. I didn't mean that.

What do you want,

MacGruber?

Join my team.

What?

Join my new team, and tell

the Colonel I can do this.

I can't do that.

Okay, don't make

me beg here.

'Cause I will do it.

I am so sorry.

I'm so goddamn sorry.

Look, I'm freaking

out here.

I killed them.

I killed them all!

I'm so f***ing stupid!

I don't know what I'm doing

and everybody hates me!

Look, I will

suck your dick.

I will suck

your f***ing dick.

I will do it,

just join my team.

I'll suck your dick.

You can f*** me

or get f***ed by me.

You can watch me

f*** something.

Just point at something in the

room and I'll f*** it for you.

Come on, just tell me

what you want me to f***!

Jesus Christ, MacGruber.

Just tell me

what you want me to f***.

Okay, I don't have any lubricant.

Do you see any Wite-Out?

Or, like, copy toner

should work, or...

Put your pants back on.

What are you doing?

I don't know!

I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm so f***ed here!

I am so f***ed.

Come on, MacGruber.

It's not so bad.

Oh, it's not?

The man who

killed my wife

is in control of

a nuclear warhead,

and I can't do a goddamn thing about it!

And it's not so bad?

Cunth killed your wife?

It was never proven

in a court of law,

but I saw it

with my own eyes.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

This mission was

my chance to do

what I should have

done 10 years ago.

And I blew it.

MacGruber, we have a

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote