MacGruber

Right on time.

Zeke! Hurry the f*** up!

Almost there!

Nighty-night.

Open it.

Load it up.

Sorry, I don't

speak Russian.

Wait!

MacGruber

Making life-saving inventions

out of household materials

MacGruber

Getting in and out

of ultra-sticky situations

MacGruber

The guy's a f***ing genius

MacGruber

MacGruber

He made a f***ing movie

MacGruber

Sir, I still don't

understand why we had

to come all

the way out here.

Because, Lieutenant,

we need the best.

And this guy's

that good?

Yeah. He's that good.

Then why isn't he

on active duty?

Because

he's been dead

for 10 years.

Hello, Colonel.

Hello, MacGruber.

MacGruber?

How did you find me?

You forget I taught you

everything you know.

Not everything, Colonel.

Hello, Jim.

MacGruber.

This is Lieutenant Dixon

Piper. Lieutenant, this is...

The legendary

MacGruber.

Former Navy SEAL, Army

Ranger and Green Beret.

Served six tours in Desert

Storm, four in Bosnia,

three each in Angola, Somalia,

Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.

Recipient of sixteen

Purple Hearts,

three Congressional

Medals of Honor,

seven Presidential

Medals of Bravery,

and starting tight end for the

University of Texas, El Paso.

That was

a long time ago.

Listen, Mac...

Colonel, with

all due respect,

whatever it is

you're here for,

the answer is no.

My life is here now. Everything

I care about is in these walls.

I'm a man of peace. This is

my home, these are my people.

Hey, hey! Sh*t!

He'll give it back.

Look, MacGruber. Two

days ago, a Russian convoy

carrying the X-5 nuclear

warhead got jacked.

Yesterday, reliable sources informed

us it made its way to US soil.

That's not

my problem anymore.

MacGruber, the X-5 is one of

the most powerful nuclear...

Yeah, I know

what the X-5 is.

Lieutenant, give us

a minute, will you?

Yes, sir.

Mac, you're

our only hope.

Your country needs you.

I think I've given more than

enough to my country already.

Mac, if this is

about Casey, she...

It's not about Casey. It's

about a promise I made to myself.

Listen to me, Mac.

No, you listen!

I'm out of the game.

Well, the game has changed.

But the players are the same.

MacGruber,

it's Cunth.

What?

We have reason

to believe

the X-5 is now in the

possession of Dieter Von Cunth.

Cunth.

Mac.

This is your chance

to finally take him down.

Sorry, Jim.

I can't do it.

If you

change your mind...

Lieutenant.

Do you,

Casey Janine Fitzpatrick,

take MacGruber to be your

lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, MacGruber, take

Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

F*** you.

...to be your

lawfully wedded wife?

Casey!

MacGruber!

I'm in.

What?

I'm in.

MacGruber.

Thank God.

Your God can't help you,

Jim. But I can.

So what do we

know so far?

Very little,

unfortunately.

We think Cunth smuggled

the X-5 into the US,

but we lost the trail before we

could pin any hard evidence on him.

I was actually talking

to the Colonel. Colonel?

Everything Piper

just said is correct.

Thank you, Colonel.

Well, then,

if you'll excuse me,

it's time to go

pound some Cunth.

Mac. It's not

that easy.

Sure, to us, he's a black market

arms dealer. But to everyone else,

he's become

a respected businessman

and a major

political donor.

He's untouchable.

Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.

I'll touch him

wherever I want.

Now, Mac, one thing we

have working in our favor

is that Cunth needs passcodes

to make the X-5 operational.

It is imperative that Cunth

does not get those codes.

Oh, thanks. Because

before you said something,

I thought it'd be fine

if he got them.

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