
MacGruber
Right on time.
Zeke! Hurry the f*** up!
Almost there!
Nighty-night.
Open it.
Load it up.
Sorry, I don't
speak Russian.
Wait!
MacGruber
Making life-saving inventions
out of household materials
MacGruber
Getting in and out
of ultra-sticky situations
MacGruber
The guy's a f***ing genius
MacGruber
MacGruber
He made a f***ing movie
MacGruber
Sir, I still don't
understand why we had
to come all
the way out here.
Because, Lieutenant,
we need the best.
And this guy's
that good?
Yeah. He's that good.
Then why isn't he
on active duty?
Because
he's been dead
for 10 years.
Hello, Colonel.
Hello, MacGruber.
MacGruber?
How did you find me?
everything you know.
Not everything, Colonel.
Hello, Jim.
MacGruber.
This is Lieutenant Dixon
Piper. Lieutenant, this is...
The legendary
MacGruber.
Former Navy SEAL, Army
Ranger and Green Beret.
Served six tours in Desert
Storm, four in Bosnia,
three each in Angola, Somalia,
Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.
Recipient of sixteen
Purple Hearts,
three Congressional
Medals of Honor,
seven Presidential
Medals of Bravery,
and starting tight end for the
University of Texas, El Paso.
That was
a long time ago.
Listen, Mac...
Colonel, with
all due respect,
whatever it is
you're here for,
the answer is no.
My life is here now. Everything
I care about is in these walls.
I'm a man of peace. This is
my home, these are my people.
Hey, hey! Sh*t!
He'll give it back.
Look, MacGruber. Two
days ago, a Russian convoy
carrying the X-5 nuclear
warhead got jacked.
Yesterday, reliable sources informed
us it made its way to US soil.
That's not
my problem anymore.
MacGruber, the X-5 is one of
the most powerful nuclear...
Yeah, I know
what the X-5 is.
Lieutenant, give us
a minute, will you?
Yes, sir.
Mac, you're
our only hope.
enough to my country already.
Mac, if this is
about Casey, she...
It's not about Casey. It's
about a promise I made to myself.
Listen to me, Mac.
No, you listen!
I'm out of the game.
Well, the game has changed.
But the players are the same.
MacGruber,
it's Cunth.
What?
We have reason
to believe
the X-5 is now in the
possession of Dieter Von Cunth.
Cunth.
Mac.
This is your chance
to finally take him down.
Sorry, Jim.
I can't do it.
If you
change your mind...
Lieutenant.
Do you,
Casey Janine Fitzpatrick,
take MacGruber to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
And do you, MacGruber, take
Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...
F*** you.
...to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
Casey!
MacGruber!
I'm in.
What?
I'm in.
MacGruber.
Thank God.
Your God can't help you,
Jim. But I can.
So what do we
know so far?
Very little,
unfortunately.
the X-5 into the US,
but we lost the trail before we
could pin any hard evidence on him.
I was actually talking
to the Colonel. Colonel?
Everything Piper
just said is correct.
Thank you, Colonel.
Well, then,
if you'll excuse me,
it's time to go
pound some Cunth.
Mac. It's not
that easy.
Sure, to us, he's a black market
arms dealer. But to everyone else,
he's become
a respected businessman
and a major
political donor.
He's untouchable.
Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.
I'll touch him
wherever I want.
Now, Mac, one thing we
have working in our favor
to make the X-5 operational.
It is imperative that Cunth
does not get those codes.
Oh, thanks. Because
before you said something,
I thought it'd be fine
if he got them.
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"MacGruber" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 10 Dec. 2023. <https://www.scripts.com/script/macgruber_13092>.
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