Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #5

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And i eat 'em all,

And then i'm like, "uh..."

So i get ice cream

To cool it off, you know?

Like...

And then i feel worse,

So i jack off and pass out.

I turn off my phone

In case my kids call.

I can't f***ing face anybody.

I wake up covered with

Three kinds of shame glaze

Just covering my body.

And so right around 5:00

In the afternoon

It starts getting dark,

And i'm like, "i got to be

In the daylight just once."

I have to at least

One time in the day

Be in the daylight.

And that's--

I just stand there. That's it.

Like a f***ing mental patient

In a bathrobe.

Just--

Cigarette burns

On the robe and sh*t.

Some girl telling me

She got married.

I'm not listening.

"Daddy,

This is my husband."

That's what it feels like,

Anyway.

And i started

Looking at people,

And they're all crispy-clothed

And rosy-cheeked

And full of purpose,

And they're making me

Feel worse.

And i'm about to go back

In the hotel

And jack off another time.

And then i look

Across the street

And i see this couple,

And they were just striking.

They were a beautiful couple.

It was a beautiful woman

With a beautiful man.

I'll say he's beautiful.

I got no problem with it.

I'll suck his dick too.

I don't need your permission.

I don't care.

Walk right over there

And suck his dick.

I mean, i never did that,

But i'm 41.

Maybe i'll do

The second half gay.

I don't know.

It remains an option.

There's got to be

Something to it.

Those folks

Are having a good time.

They have parades.

They--there's no parades

For how i get laid.

They have parades.

Marching down the street

To celebrate that

They blow each other

And f*** each other

In the ass.

Smush their vaginas together,

Or whatever that one is.

Whatever wonderful thing

Those folks are doing

That's none of my business.

So i--okay,

So i'm looking at the couple,

And they're walking

On the other side of the street,

And they have a child with them.

But i can't see their child,

'Cause there's, like,

A dumpster and some other stuff.

I just see, like,

A little head.

And i'm waiting, i'm curious

What their kid looks like,

Because they're so beautiful.

Maybe i want

To f*** their kid.

I don't know.

[Laughs]

That--that's just me

Saying something terrible

Because it makes me laugh

That it upsets you.

That's all that is.

Just so you know.

It's just--it's just enjoyable

To me that you're upset.

That's all it is.

I'm not gonna f*** a kid.

I wouldn't do that.

Maybe a dead kid.

Who are you hurting?

He's dead.

Who are you hurting?

I'm not saying i would kill

A kid and f*** him.

I'm saying if i found

A dead kid in a field

And it wasn't raining,

I might take a shot.

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