Jimmy Carr Live Page #4

---

I'm not sure what the correct medical

term is but she had a wonky face.

I'm pretty sure that's

not the correct medical term.

She wasn't an unattractive girl either

she was quite good looking

but one haIf of her face was a lot lower

than the other. Just a bit wonky

What happened is She sent in a

video tape to be on the show

And recorded

it rather coquettishly, like that.

Then she turned up and gone like that

and we all went like that.

And obviously the producer said,

"Well, This is quite a serious thing.

"It's a show about looks. She's got a

wonky face. We've got to address it."

l thought, "What am I gonna say?

What's with the wonky face, love?"

I didn't say that. I said:

"Could you tell me about your face?"

Luckily she played along. She said:

"Yes, There is a story behind this

When I was 11 I had a skiing accident.

"l was skiing down a hill

and I skied into the side of a chalet.

"l broke my leg, my arm,

jawbone, cheekbone and eye socket

"and I had to be airlifted

to the hospital."

And I said:
"At least

you got to go in a helicopter."

Her face fell.

Sadly it didn't even up.

That would have been...

Rather miraculous.

l can't be the only person. In real life

l do constantly put my foot in it.

l can't be the only one that

does these kind of things

I've learned the hard way not to refer to

your partner as your "current girlfriend".

It suggests

you're looking for an upgrade.

That doesn't seem to keep them

on their toes the way you think it might

No, they don't like it.

I've also got a policy now

after several unfortunate incidents,

whereby I would rather see

a pregnant woman standing on a bus

than a fat girl sitting down crying.

Come on, we've all made

that mistake, haven't we?

The worst thing is,

you know immediately you've made it.

"When's it due?

"Hang on, there's nothing due.

"You just like your food."

It's a terrible moment

You just want the earth to open up and...

Swallow her.

Obviously It'd have to

be a f***ing big hole.

Now the other time when I put my foot in it

But sort of deliberately is in charity shows

l do quite a lot of charity shows. I'm not

pretending to be particularly altruistic

I do them because

they are really good fun.

Loads of comics do a show.

There's about ten of us backstage.

We all hang out together.

It's like a little social and what we do is

We dare each other to open with

the most inappropriate line possible.

What happens is, I tend to win the bet

and not get invited back.

Which if you think about it is a double win

cos you don't get paid for those shows.

l did a gig for the Ashling Foundation.

Does Anyone know the Ashling Foundation?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes