Jimmy Carr Live

Synopsis: Jimmy's unique brand of humor demonstrates the observations he makes on life's taboos using witty one-liners and offensive put downs.
Director(s): Dominic Brigstocke
Actors: Jimmy Carr
75 min



Well, Thanks very much.

Before we even start,

l suppose I'd better warn you

that in my act

there is certain amount of bad language.

I'm not talking about split infinitives.

There will be some swearing and there is

some material of a sexual nature.

So if you are offended

by rude or crude material, For heaven sake

don't be a cunt about it.

l was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago

I got talking to a girl in front row

and asked a girl her name.

She said, "Pataka." I said, " That's an

unusual name, You don't hear that every day."

To which She replied, "Actually, I do."

I don't know. Does anyone in here

use Vodafone products by any chance?

Any one?


Mainly people over there.

l imagine that's where

the reception is best, is it?

l don't use Vodafone products.

Not because they are not good products

Im sure they're reasonably priced

I'm sure they work reasonably well.

But I don't use them because

l don't like their advertising slogan.

"Join the world's

largest mobile community."

Now Correct me if Im wrong,

That's the gypsies.

No offence to you.

If you want to dress in that manner and live

in a lay-by, it's very much up to you.

l can't believe you went like that.

Well done. Good.

- What's your name?

- Scott.

Don't feel bad about

everyone laughing at you Scott. Sorry

You and I both know

they all need clothes pegs.

There'll always be work

for people like Scott to avoid.

My father used to say: "whatever

doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Till the accident.

Feminists say... and you may agree

with this, you may not.

Feminists say:

"A woman's work is never done."

Maybe if they got themselves

organized, it'd be better.

A bit of an icy stare there, madam.

What you gotta understand

That is post modern misogyny.

That joke is in fact steeped in irony.

So Don't you worry

your pretty little head about it.

l had one of those "serious relationship"

conversation the other week

With my girlfriend Where She sat me down

and talked at me for about six hours.

l hadn't realized until then that

when a man says he is "spoken for"

That is quite literally what he means.

She said to me:
"Jimmy, We're at

a crossroads in our relationship.

"Down one road is hard work and

commitment but, ultimately, happiness.

"And down the other road,

well, the other road is a dead end."

And I said, "That's not a crossroads,

that's a T-junction."

Im glad you laughed.

She went fucking mental.

l should point out

at this early stage in the show

that despite my dress

and general demeanour,

I'm not gay.

Unless you're from Newcastle,

and by "gay" you mean "owns a coat".

You're looking a bit disappointed there

Sorry, but homosexuality isn't my thing.

No hard feelings.

Sorry, I don't want to spoil the mood.

I'm not you know...

I'm not homophobic.

I'm not scared of you.

it's fine. Obviously, Some people

are straight, some are gay. That is fine.

I'm what you might call a "stray".

I'm straight, but I'm socially gay.

l notice when a female friend

changes her hair or buys new shoes.

But I won't accept your cock in my arse.

It's less of a joke, it's just something

l wanted to make absolutely clear.

l get the feeling by that look on your face

l may have misjudged this situation.

You either look hard or gay.

Hopefully not both.

You look as if

you want to take me outside.

I'm not entirely sure why.

l suppose either way I'm buggered.

I'm sure you will have ascertained

I'm quite middle-class

and I'm from the Home Counties.

So I don't have an accent.

This is just how things sound

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Jimmy Carr

James Anthony Patrick Carr (born 15 September 1972) is a British stand-up comedian, presenter, writer, and actor who holds both British and Irish citizenship. He is known for his deadpan delivery, dark humour, and heckler interaction. Carr moved to a career in comedy in 2000.After becoming established as a stand-up comedian, Carr began to appear in a number of Channel 4 television shows, becoming the host of the panel show 8 Out of 10 Cats and also The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, a comedy panel show that airs each December to review the past year. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Jimmy Carr Live" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 27 Jan. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jimmy_carr_live_11301>.

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