Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame Page #4

---

you've talked to once in eight years.

Not even a guy from your department.

Just make it, you know--

"Murray in Human Resources

will know what this is about."

And f***ing hang yourself.

For the rest of his life, Murray will be

all f***ed up and socially awkward.

"I don't know.

I said hi to the guy once in 2014."

I'm a terrible liar.

I'm a very, very bad liar.

And I wish I was better,

'cause it's hard for me

to be good in relationships.

So, the fact is,

I just give myself away when I'm lying.

I always feel like it's obvious.

Some guys are literally masters of lying.

Your girl could walk in

and catch you f***ing one of her friends.

"What are you doing?"

"She fell, baby. I was picking her up."

Just so smooth.

And I admire your ability to do that,

because I just-- my eyes get wide.

I sound like an actor from the 1940s

if I'm texting the wrong person.

"Who is that?"

"It's a buddy, see? Ahh."

F***ing throw the phone into the tub.

"Nothing to see there, chum. Ahh."

Have you ever been such a bad liar

that you try to lie

by just telling the truth

with a sarcastic inflection in your voice,

'cause it feels less like a lie?

Like, if your girlfriend knows

you cheated on her.

"Did you have sex with her?"

"Yeah!

Oh, yeah, yeah. I f***ed her twice

while you were in the hospital."

That reads pretty honest in a transcript.

My ex-girlfriend caught me.

I got busted so badly.

Has anybody ever gotten busted talking

to someone you shouldn't be?

Because it's in black-and-white--

Here's what it was.

One morning, I was having

a nasty conversation with a girl,

who I had met one time.

And that's what we do now

in the digital era.

You talk to people who you probably

wouldn't talk to before,

because you can just do it

on your cell phone.

And it was one of those three-hour,

lathered-up, f***ing filthy--

I was offering her $500 to come over

and stick her feet in my mouth.

Which, you know, obviously,

I would never do that.

Three-fifty is the cutoff

for foot worship. Everybody knows that.

But I was talking to this girl Maria.

And again, we'd never hung out.

We'd only met one time.

But it was a three-hour--

I was so finished.

I just jerked off and fell asleep.

I didn't even clean up

until the next morning.

Literally, I sounded like a Fruit Roll-Up

when I was pulling my--

[tearing sound]

This is 2011.

I remember this like it was yesterday,

'cause my girlfriend at the time walked

into the bedroom,

and she goes, "Get up, Jim."

You know how you know you're f***ed

for some--

The tone of voice implies

this is not gonna be great news.

"Get up, Jim." I'm like, "What?"

I don't know why that was my impression

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes