Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame Page #3

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But he tried to have,

like, a "holy sh*t" moment with it.

He's like,

"Dude, I paid 1,500 for this watch.

Guess how much it's worth."

"I don't know.

A hundred-and-thirty-thousand?"

And I'm still giddy at the memory

of that stupid f***ing smile

melting off his face.

'Cause now his real number

has no impact whatsoever.

Like, I guessed 130,000.

He can't go, "No. 2,000."

"Oh, hey,

that's a heck of a savings, too!"

F***ing shoot yourself.

Your story was terrible.

And I started doing it--

It's weird. I begun--

The joy of over-guessing,

I discovered by accident.

I was trying to do the right thing.

A friend of mine is really fat.

Wouldn't it be great

if I just left it right there?

"A friend of mine is fat"

and moved on to something else.

Like, that was just me talking to him.

"You know who you are."

A friend of mine is really fat.

He started losing weight, which was great,

but instead of just letting

somebody notice it,

he told us that he lost weight,

which was kind of awkward

'cause it wasn't really noticeable yet.

He's like, "Dude, I lost some weight."

In my mind, I'm like, "Allegedly."

I didn't see evidence of that at all.

But then he puts me on the spot.

He's like, "Guess how many pounds."

And I don't want to be a scumbag.

"Uh, point..."

So, in an effort to be nice,

I over-guessed. I was like, "50?"

He was like, "No. Six."

And I realized that by over-guessing,

I had totally robbed him of that moment

and made him feel horrible.

And it made me so f***ing happy.

I feel so good.

I don't know how to handle feeling--

I don't know how to live feeling good.

I'm so not used to it.

I go through my depression, though,

like everybody else.

I go through my feeling like sh*t.

You ever get suicidal thoughts? Anybody?

[man] Oh, yeah.

That was a very fast--

Whenever you say "suicidal thoughts,"

you never want the answer

to be that quick.

"Yes!"

Hope you're not on a first date.

That's the wrong time.

"I've wanted to kill myself

and everyone else in the theater."

Oh, good. That's--

But it's weird how sneaky it is

and how it hits you out of nowhere.

You're not prepared for it.

Things are great, then all of a sudden,

your voice, like--

"You forgot to hang yourself."

"What?"

I'm not trying to bum everybody out.

It goes away in six months.

And I don't want to kill myself,

but I've kind of come

to a peaceful conclusion,

that if I ever do decide to kill myself,

I'm gonna go out in style.

And before I do it, I want to write a note

blaming someone I hardly know.

How hilarious would that be, just to wreck

somebody's life for no reason whatsoever?

But it's got to be totally random.

Pick some guy at work

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