Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #4

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terrorists,

every comic who has a Muslim

joke does a terrorist joke.

Obviously most of them

aren't terrorists,

I'm talking about the things

that we know, and sh*t,

the fact that women have very

few rights in their culture.

Now, it sounds good in theory,

but-

In our society

it should be frowned upon.

I don't think I could be

a Muslim

because they can't eat bacon

or drink beer.

And they're the two greatest

f***ing things in the world.

You take bacon and beer

away from me

and I'll fly a plane

into a f***ing building.

I love drinking.

I hate people who don't drink.

Never met an interesting person

in my life who didn't drink.

If you don't drink

you're a boring c*nt

and all your story sucks.

All your stories

end the same way with

"And then I got home. "

No one gives a sh*t that you've

been promoted at work,

and no one gives a f*** that

your kids don't have bruises.

Ever asked a non-drinker

why they don't drink?

Same f***ing answer every time,

you go, "Why don't you drink?"

They go, "I don't like

the taste of it. "

Nobody does!

No one likes the taste of it,

we drink 'cause we

f***ing have to.

No one's ever had

a shot of tequila and gone,

"Oooh, that's lovely!"

"Next time I'll have that

instead of pudding.

We drink 'cause life's sh*t.

And you gotta do

whatever you can

I- I honestly didn't mean

to time it like that.

That's like a magic trick,

ain't it?

I've decided I'm gonna

punch people in the head

if they say the next sentence.

I encourage you to do the same

because they think they're

better than you.

Anyone who says the sentence:

"I don't need to drink

or take drugs

to have a good time,

I'm high on life. "

Punch that c*nt in the head

till your hand breaks.

Really...

Well, I'm, angry on alcohol.

Now drive me home.

Smoking's a weird one, man.

Smoking's like...

I appreciate with smoking that

you can't smoke indoors anymore.

I think that's the right law.

I think if people

are working there

I think it's fair enough.

And it's the same law

all across the world.

But in Australia now,

But you can't smoke

in front of a hooker.

'Cause this might be

detrimental to her health.

Is this really the worst thing

that's happening

to this woman's body

on a day-to-day basis?

If you pay her enough money

you can bone her.

I'm not saying pour petrol

on her and light her up,

I'm saying,

let people know you were there.

Now, while I'm on the subject

of burn victims,

I wouldn't wish it

upon my worst enemy,

it's an awful thing

to happen to anyone,

but I do laugh whenever

there's like, a house fire

or a car accident,

or something like that,

and someone gets

really badly burned,

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